A Little Bit of Allison: Little Bug

I don't think I can emphasize enough how much my life is changing, so that's why I keep mentioning it. It's crazy watching things fall in and out of place as Lucas and I take these steps together. I don't think I'll ever understand why some things have panned out the way they have, but such is life.

Today I would like to post about my dear, sweet Adelé. Time continues to pass, and she continues to grow. (She's walking now!) She has so much sass and attitude, it's pretty funny. I have no idea where she got that from ;)

One thing I have always missed about Adelé is being able to talk to her on a regular, frequent basis. I remember after the adoption and after a break up I went through, all I wanted to do was load her up in her carseat and drive around with her and tell her everything. I even drove around late some nights and pretended she was there, and rehearsed everything I would be saying to her if she were really in the car. I know babies can't always give responses, heck even toddlers can't, but just being able to talk to her about my life was something I always felt a large void of.

Now that I'm getting married in the temple, and to the man of my dreams, I want to tell Adelé about all the changes I've made in my life. Yeah, I still have my flaws. I still have a hard time biting my tongue and thinking before I post (haha, see what I did there?), and I still make mistakes, but I am oh so different than I was when I was pregnant with her.

I love that my bitter pregnancy didn't wear off on her. Instead, she inherited my sassy, bubbly, love-of-life perspective, and I can already see that in her.

If there were one thing I could tell my little Bug, I would tell her of the sacrifice I made to give her a better life. Not to make her feel bad, or to think I am a great person, but to make her see how much I really do love her. Sometimes I feel regret for replacing her with Lucas. I feel like I've abandoned her by letting go of her as my daughter. Then I am reminded that I didn't "let her go", and I didn't "replace" her. I have given her a chance to move on from a life that would bring her heartache. I have given myself a chance to let go of the memories of the dark nights and bitter mornings.

About a month or so ago, I actually contacted Adelé's birth father, Chris. He's engaged now and has most definitely moved on, as have I. I asked him what he would like me to tell her when she got older. His response was simple, that he didn't mind because I was the one who decided to keep it open. At first my heart broke to hear this. How could he still be so careless towards this beautiful girl I cherished in my heart? How could anyone be so cold? Then, after a few weeks, I realized he was right. It was my choice. I am the one who agreed to keep things open for Adelé, so I am the one who will have to step up to the plate and answer the questions when the time comes. Chris said from the very beginning, before she was even 8 weeks along, that he didn't want to be a part of this. And he had every right to feel that way. So, instead of retaliating and saying something defensive, I wished him the best. I really do want a good life for him, but I don't care to know anything of it.

Will all of that being said, I bring it up because I wanted, more than anything, to tell Adelé of my new discovery. I wanted to tell her that I don't hate Chris anymore, and I wanted to tell her all about what happened with us.

One day, when Adelé comes to me and asks to know the past, I won't tell her harsh words about her birth father. I won't tell her the pain I went through during a lonely pregnancy, and I won't mention the bitter times and feelings I had towards Chris. I will tell her the times we shared where we really were happy. I will tell her of the summer when I was lost. I will tell her how it took me two years to finally come to the realization that everything happened just the way it was supposed to. I wish I could tell her that now, but she wouldn't quite understand what I was saying. What I do love about my relationship with Adelé is that I know she knows who I am. She is aware that there is a bond between us that you can't put words to. In the quiet moments where we are spending time together, she will smile and look me in the eye, and it's for that brief moment that I know she loves me and knows who I am. I know one day she may struggle with understanding. One day she may ask so many questions and she may not feel my love for her. But I also know that that same day I will have answers. I won't shrug my shoulders. I won't shut her out. I will tell her everything, and I will not omit a single detail.

I still love and miss Little Bug dearly, but I know that as time goes on, so will life, and it won't always be hard. I know happier times are awaiting (38 days!) and I know Heavenly Father will keep me in mind since I have done what He wanted.

Thank you for reading!

-Allison Susanne De Arton

A Little Bit of Allison: I Guess it's That Time

Time is moving quickly, only a month and a half until the wedding! Yikes! I feel like there's so much to do, yet pretty much everything is already done. I'm so thrilled to not have to say goodnight anymore...that's probably what I'm looking forward to most. Oh and making Luke breakfast while he's still sleeping. I'll bet this new domesticated version of myself will only last a few months. Who's ready to place bets ;)

Ok, so being engaged has been awesome. I love planning out my eternity with my best friend. One thing that engagement does is it gives you a wake up call...everyday. Each minute that ticks by brings me closer to starting my life with my eternal companion, which brings us closer to realizing life is changing.

I've been single for 21 years according to Social Security. Yeah I've had boyfriends and serious relationships, but I've never been engaged. I've never said yes to a man asking me to be his wife until June 3rd. Now that Lucas put a ring on it, I need to do some serious re-evaluating on my life! For a long time I honestly thought I'd die single. I had it all planned out: I was going to move to Germany, buy 20 cats, and live happily being the American girl down the street with multiplying cats. That was fine with me. Yeah, I didn't really want that, but I was convinced my past had given me that future. Well. Lucas had other plans.

If you've read my blog, you've read our story. One detail I left out is how quickly I fell in love with Luke. Something was different about hanging out with him. Other boys I have been with have been nice and fun, but I always knew the moments would end. I would always tell them to wish to 'make this moment last forever' because deep down I knew none of them would last. With Luke, I didn't have that worry. I didn't waste my time wishing for it to last forever, because I knew it would. Saying goodnight is more of an annoyance instead of a tragedy. It's so comforting to know Lucas is mine forever, and not having to wish for it.

With all of that, there also comes a price to pay. I didn't really understand this until now, but being single and being engaged/married are two very different life styles. My friends are about 50/50. Half are married, and the other half are single. Here I am in between and in awe at how different the two are. I promised myself that I would still keep my friendships with my single friends because I know the feeling of being bailed on. It's a hard promise to keep. When I'm with Lucas, he's all I want to think about. When I'm not with him, he's all I want to think about. Trying to fit in anything else in my brain is next to impossible. It's sad because I expect people to make time for me, and I usually am pretty good at making time for them, but all I really want is to be with Lucas.

I didn't notice there was much of a problem until I recently noticed that I've stolen Lucas from his previous life. He doesn't hang out with his friends anymore, he doesn't go to lunch with them, and he sees his family when I'm working or we are there together. At first, I was really bothered by this. I felt like I was taking over Lucas's life by consuming all of his free time. I felt like that crazy fiancé that all of his friends hate because I don't want him talking to his exes, or even to the girls that hurt him. I felt like I was burning bridges for him, all the while he was watching them burn. I honestly didn't like myself for that. When Luke and I first started dating, I let him go to lunch with other girls that were close to him. I wanted him to hang out with his high school chums, and I wanted to have things stay that way. As we grew closer and more serious, I realized things couldn't stay that way. I stopped talking to guys that I was friends with, and he stopped talking to the girls he was friends with. It had nothing to do with whether or not we liked them, it had everything to do with the fact we found it less intriguing. We still love our friends dearly and want to remain friends with them, we just hang out with each other more right now...and I suppose that's ok.

I'm still struggling with the concept of making Lucas my other half. It's hard to let someone in that much and count on them to pick up where I lack. Yeah the idea of marriage and engagement is rainbows and butterflies, but the reality is so much more than that. It's a lot of work to let someone become your better half. I wouldn't pick anyone else to do this challenge with, and I'm so happy he picked me too.

As far as our friends go, I'm still trying to learn the balance. Honestly I'm a social person, so I love having new friends and keeping the ones I've already made. I guess the real lesson is learning that what Lucas wants is most important to me, and I will always do that first. Then I can fit everyone else in. It sounds simple, but it's not. The bonus part is, though, I have eternity to figure out how to do it right.

-Allison Susanne De Arton

A Little Bit of Allison: Quality Time

So with all this talk of getting married and such, it has occurred to me that my top love language couldn't be more accurate. I used to think that test was a silly coincidence until I realized that it was actually quite spot on. My top love language that beat all the others was quality time. In Luke and I's relationship, we have spent more time than money, more hours talking than cuddling, and just more time than I have with anyone else. Maybe that's why I can't resist the man ;)

These past few weeks have shown me that time isn't just important to me in my romantic relationship, but in my friendships as well. Time is something I hold to a high standard. It's something I demand, give, and manage. Time is so crucial to me, and I've come to realize that we don't always have as much as we have let ourselves think we have.

So what brought this on? Well, I have a few close friends that I've kept in my life for years. We're all at different stages now, so we don't always have time to hang out or catch up. I've come to accept that, which is hard, but it's life. Well, I had one friend call the other night quite distraught over a family situation. I made the time to talk to her about it, even though I was pretty busy. This friend does the same for me, hence why we're still best friends. That same night, something happened at my house that was scary...so I called a different friend who has different time constraints than the other. It was late, so she didn't answer. I was ok with that and left a voicemail hoping for a response in the morning. The morning came and no response. So, I texted her and she explained why she hadn't gotten back to me. I was a little put off by the excuse, so I didn't text back. Here we are, a whole day later, and still no response to my frantic voicemail.

Ok, so I get that we're all busy. We have work, school, and other friends who occupy our time. I guess I just have a hard time understanding how I can make time for a friend in need as I'm putting my clothes back on from being in the hospital, but another friend can't make time because she's busy riding rides. It was quite saddening and hurt my feelings a bit, especially since I said what happened in the voicemail. I once had a manager tell me that the people we love the most are the ones who can hurt us the most. That has proven to be very true with this other friend.

I vent on my blog because that's the way I get things out. I probably should grow up and confront the girl, but I've given up on that. I've confronted her too many times, and other people have proven to stick around a little better than her right now, so I guess I'll have to let that friendship stay on hold. I value my time too much to continue to let her see it as inconvenient. I'll just be her friend when she wants me to be.

Our time is important. If you have someone you love, treat them like it. Make sure they know that you value their time, even if it's just a phone call.

Thanks for reading!

-Allison Susanne De Arton

A Little Bit of Allison: Positive Post

Ok, so I feel like the last...ten...posts have been some sort of rant. I should post something nice, so here it is.

I have so many great people in my life, so I suppose this is a tribute to them. Are you ready? Bring on the cheese!!

Where to start...? Hm, we'll start with Erin. So she was my neighbor when we first moved back to Idaho. She now lives elsewhere, but we have remained close. What I love about Erin is that her and I will spend months apart, and weeks without contact, but when we talk again, it's like nothing has changed. She has seen me through my crazy high school years, my broken hearted nights, and most importantly: my pregnancy. She never gave up on me, even when I had given up on me. She held me the nights I couldn't take it by myself. Even after Adelé was born, Erin helped me through the nights where I missed my darling daughter beyond management. Erin is like the ideal best friend. She calls me out when I'm acting dumb, then holds my hand while I suffer the consequences. Yeah, we've had our miffs, but I know she's my best friend because even when I was mad at her, she was the one I wanted to talk to about it...no one else. I think the hardest (and only hard thing) about being with Lucas is that I had to realize he needed to become my best friend in a different way than Erin had been. It's been a struggle to separate the two, but Erin has been so supportive and the best person for me during this transition from single life to almost married life. I know after I'm married Erin and I's relationship will shift, but knowing her, she will shift right along with it and be in the ER when I'm having my first baby (in like...5 years ;) ). I do love Erin like a sister, and she will forever be my dearest lady friend. Love you girl :)


Ok, next up, Mrs. Christine Wilkins. Oh buddy, should I begin with the first "Wellll....." or the last sob session? Haha Christine is like that rock that you keep hitting, even after the ocean has swept you miles away. Christine has always been that solid foundation for me in a spiritual sense. She never strayed from the church and she always let me know when what I was doing was lame. She saw my mistakes as things that needed to be overcome, and I think she took notes on what NOT to do ;). Christine got married on V-Day, and that was a super hard day for me. Yeah, I was single and pregnant, but I had to let my bestie forever-estie go. She was stepping up her game in the married life, and I had to take front row seats. Scott is awesome and I'm so glad they ended up together. They just fit each other so well. Oh hey, just like Lucas and I! Fancy that ;) really though, Scott and Christine have been great support systems and I love that Chris Web/Wilk like another sister. She saved me through HS. Oh buddy did she ever. :3 Love you guuurrrl! :)


Alright, The Balls. Haha their name just sums it all up. Aly is so awesome guys, like seriously. She's like the version of me I want to be in 2 years. We are so similar it's crazy. We have the same name too! She just spells it wrong ;) And Jordan, oh man. That kid is hilarious, and Lucas really likes him...so I see a ton of game nights in our near future. Aly gets me on a whole level I don't think even I understand. When I need to vent, she vents with me. I love that. She understands my angst like no one else. Oh Aly, you rock :)



Taylor, Taylor, Taylor. Or should I say TAY TAY!! Wanna go out with Rae Rae and Bren Bren? Haha! Taylor made it possible for me to get through the Dental Assisting program, like seriously. I remember all the angst us girls went through, and Taylor cooled me down multiple times. Plus, our trip to Utah was a real bonding time. We have had many talks that were beneficial to me in more ways than one. Love that sassy girl.


Alright, last but NOT least, my Bear. (You saw this coming, right?) Oh man, Lucas is my anchor. He is so amazing and is really a miracle in my life. Never would I have imagined someone as great as him. He is so honest and loyal and charming...and...and...oh the list goes on forever. He settles me down, and speeds me up. He's everything I need that I thought I could live without. He's what makes me happy when I'm sad, what pulls me close when I want to fly away, and the support when I can't stand on my own. He helped me see the Heavenly Father really is aware of us, and is a loving God who wants the best, even if we have to learn the hard way. I love Lucas Clark, and can't wait to marry him in less than 2 months (eep!!). Love you Bear.


Alright, there are more friends like the Egan family (Holly, Robyn, Lauralynn...), Curtis, Derek, The OG crew, several Rosewood Ward members, and even Salt Lake friends (Jelena) that I could write about, but Bear just got here...and he's hungry ;) love you all!!

-Allison Susanne De Arton
2014

Controversy #3

Warning: This blog post contains sensitive subjects and topics that may be offensive to some people. I declare this as my own opinion and it does not reflect those of anyone else. In my twenty one years of living, these are some conclusions I have come to. Once again, it does not reflect any opinion of anyone else, including the religious group I belong to. If you find offense to what I say, be angry with me. No one else.


Alright, so this is a rant I've been holding in for a while, so let me warn you, it might be kind of long.

I don't have three specific topics this time like I usually do. I just have two things I want to rage about, and then we'll call it good. Shall we begin?

Religion

Ok, I'm sick of this one. Let me tell you a story. I have a best friend and she is awesome. So I have made several other friends who are not in the same religious group as I. I am a firm believer that it is OK to believe something other than what I believe. I've tried to force my religion on others before and have learned that it gets both parties no where. So this best friend of mine was struggling a few weeks ago. I was concerned, so I (mistakenly) shared my concern with some friends of a different religion. My intent was NOT to gossip, NOT to try and 'save' her, but merely to express my concern with people I trusted. Well. Big mistake. This 'trusted' friend went to her and preached harshly against our religious group and tried to convince my friend that Mormonism is wrong in every way possible. Ok, slow down here. How is that ok?

I know that the LDS church has claimed we are the only religion with the complete truth. I believe that, but I also believe that putting other religions down to make yours look better is the farthest thing from what God wants us to do. If you actually listen to some of the LDS conference talks, you'll find that our leaders have straight up said we do not hate any other religion. Look it up, it's there. 

Fun fact about Prop 8: The Catholic church actually donated more money to that campaign than the LDS church. Bet ya didn't know that one.

So what's my point? Well, that story I told you made me realize something: We can't get along if we all think the other is wrong. I was in the wrong for sharing my best friend's life issues with someone else. I'm not going to say where they went wrong because that's already been made clear, but also I can be in the wrong for putting them down. They did what they felt was right. But here's why I get so upset: I wrote my OG post and received a lengthy response that I didn't post. Yeah, it basically was calling me a hypocrite and telling me to look up bible verses because I was stirring up  contention so Satan actually loved my post. Fair enough, I could've handled my rant better. But here's the issue: If you want to bible bash with me, let's do it. Pull every verse, every book you want and I can give you an answer. I've read through the Catholic bible, I've gone to Baptist Youth Conferences, I've had Lutheran friends, I've studied the history of all religions. Yeah, Joseph Smith didn't come around until the 1830s and yeah, Mormonism wasn't around when the country was founded. But guess what? I don't care. Have you, anonymous commenter who called me out on my flaws, read the entire Book of Mormon? No? Ok, well, when you read it cover to cover, and still have some questions, we can talk. Not until then will I waste my time reading your unpublished comments.

Adoption

This one will be short, but it saddens me that it has come to this. LDS Family Services has announced they no longer provide adoption services. I am not quite sure how to put words to how I feel, but I'm sad. This only means one thing: we need to stick together. Like I've said, placing a baby isn't for everyone, and keeping a baby isn't for everyone. Let us all support the single and pregnant women in our lives to help them make the best decision for their babies. I rest my case.

-Allison Susanne De Arton