I guess it’s normal for people my age to post their feelings online. I mean, we see it on Facebook everyday. So world, here you go, welcome to what I’m going through…as if my poems weren’t enough.
Every now and then I have a night where I turn on the sad music (I actually have an iTunes playlist called “Sad”) and think about all the failed relationships in my life. It always turns out that I long for one of them, wishing it hadn’t ended. I always feel broken and go to bed and wake up and carry on as if it didn’t happen. It seems these nights are more frequent lately. I can’t decide if it’s because of the holidays, the circumstance I’m currently in, or the fact that I’m just downright lonely. Either option would make sense I suppose.
I think the feeling of being in love is so fantastic that we forget how amazing it is until suddenly it isn’t there anymore. And it’s at this moment that we realize how awful being alone is. Especially when it seems as though everyone around us has someone. I’m not a fan of the single life. I know a lot of people say they enjoy it because they don’t have to worry, they don’t have to be sorry, no hurting and blah, blah, blah…but I would rather feel all that plus enjoy the perks of a relationship than having nothing at all.
I feel like I’ve been single for a long time, yet every time I try to think, “Ok, I’m done with this. Time to find me a man.” I’m still stuck in the same single boat, rowing it by myself. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so fed up with it that I have tried desperate measures. Unfortunately those measures cost money, so I gave up on that too. I don’t know what I’m expecting. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care. I mean I’m not going to date a shmo, but it’s not like I’m so picky and that’s why I’m single. I mean seriously, you see these girls who get asked on so many dates that they have to say no. My goodness, I don’t even have the opportunity to say yes.
I’m not sure why I’m single. I don’t know why all my attempts have failed. That whole “Yellow Zebra” concept seems to keep happening, even though I’m constantly changing who the zebra is. What about me is so unattractive to the male population right now? I’m not even kidding. I will bluntly tell a guy I think he’s cute or I’m interested, and they come up with some lame excuse as to why I’m no good for them. It’s actually quite depressing. None of them have said I was ugly or gross, it’s more of I’m just not for them. How is that possible? I don’t get it.
I don’t think I’ll ever understand the male mind. I remember the week after my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I was a magnet. I kid you not, dates every night. But now that I haven’t been dumped recently, it’s like I have a sticker on my forehead that says, “DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME, I’M FRIEND ZONE MATERIAL.” And of course, boys heed to that invisible sticker. I never put it there, in case anyone is wondering. I just don’t know what to do. I’m tired of waiting around. And what exactly am I supposed to be waiting for? Some guy to waltz in to me at Wal*Mart and be like, “Hey, I like you. Be my lady!”? I just don’t know anymore. Obviously I have no other option but to continue life, but let me tell you…it’s awful right now. That’s right, I just posted that online. Awful. My life is awful. Don’t get me wrong, I have food and a bed, but as far as my all around happiness goes, there’s none to speak of.
I’m sorry if this post totally put a damper on your day, but it definitely helps me release some sort of energy. Thanks for reading.
-Allison
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