Hello again, readers! As promised, here is another post...before March :)
For those of you who don't know, my father passed away from cancer June 1st, 2017. He had been fighting it for 14 months, and ultimately the cancer won.
I've written about my dad on here before, and reading those posts has been comforting. I think what I've been wanting to write about is how his absence has really had an impact on my life.
Obviously when you lose a parent to death, there's going to be a void. No matter your age or the circumstance, you're losing someone that is vitally important to you. I was 24 when my dad died, and I really felt like that was not fair. I kept thinking, "well, younger people have lost their parents..." but I kind of hate that line of thinking because this was hard for me. The whole "someone has it worse than you" is so belittling to your problems that I try my best not to use that. But that's beyond my point. Anyway, I felt too young to be losing my dad. He and I were close and he was such a good friend to me. Plus, I had a 5 month old that didn't even know him yet. I was angry and sad.
For you to really grasp this impact, you first need to understand who my dad was to me. He was my dad, yes, but he was a really good dad. He dropped everything for me on several occasions. And I don't mean that figuratively, like he actually dropped all his plans/called off work to come rescue me from situations or problems I was having. An example of this was when I was living in Salt Lake. I was going through a really hard time. I was dating Adelé's father and he wasn't very kind to me, I was pretty poor, and I had lost my hope for life. I called my dad and told him I was struggling. That's pretty much all I said. The next thing I knew, he was on his way down to Salt Lake to take me to dinner and even buy me a new (well used, but in great condition) car. (I was driving a really crappy, beat up pickup truck at the time.) It may have been a simple outing, but it helped so much. He let me talk and vent about whatever I wanted. He didn't pry or ask me questions I didn't want to answer. He actually surprised me with the car, and he did all this to make me feel better. I'm sure it wasn't convenient. I'm sure it was a little burdensome. But that didn't bother him. He just did things like that for me.
My dad was also a talker. If you ever knew the man, you can attest to this. Sometimes, and I hate admitting this, when my phone would ring and I would see it was him, I would roll my eyes because I knew I'd be on the phone for the next 45 minutes. Now, I would give anything to have another phone call with him. I never felt like it was a waste of time after we hung up, though. We always had good conversations. He always listened to me and made me feel validated and heard. He gave advice, even when I didn't necessarily ask for it ;) he did make sure to warn me first that it was coming, though. He was usually right with his advice. My dad was always a phone call away if I needed to talk, and always ready to tell me things whenever.
Today marks eight months since his passing. Part of me can't believe it's been that long, while the other part feels like it's been much longer. I still have a text message thread from my dad. I go back and read it from time to time, even though it only consists of "Hey, missed you tonight. I'll try to call again tomorrow" and other texts like that. There are days where I think about him a lot, and others where I think of him only a few times here and there. But I do think of him every day. I miss him. I miss him so much. Every time McCartney does something funny, or new, or cute I think "oh I should record this to send to my dad" and my heart breaks a little knowing I can't. There have been a few times where I could really use some advice on how to handle a situation, and he's not there to call. Worst of all is missing his hugs. We had this thing ever since I was a little kid that we called "hug a bugs" and it was basically just a big bear hug. Even as an adult we would always say "can't wait to give you a hug a bug!" and I would love one of those right now.
I am grateful I got my dad for 24 years of my life, but I do wish I had more. Of course, everyone does. We all wish for more time with our loved ones. I'm grateful for the example he set for me by loving my mom and my family with all he had. Sure, he had his flaws and he didn't do everything perfectly. But for me, my dad was a great dad. I will miss him until I get to see him again. Until then, I'll cherish the memories I have of him and hold on to love he had for me.
-Allison S. Dahl
