My title is pretty dramatic, but also very accurate this year. Here we are mid April, and snow is still covering my front yard. I am not happy about this. Did we need the moisture? Sure. Do we need this much? I don’t know, but it seems like too much. Hopefully the sun will start shining more often, and the weather forecast will start being wrong when it calls for a high of 28 degrees. Until then, I’m going to keep taking my Vitamin D and blog about a story that goes with the title ;)
Just a little side note- Sunday was my Dad’s birthday! He would’ve turned 70. I miss him and hope he’s enjoying his heavenly birthday week with some heavenly rocky road ice cream :)
My endless winter is also my endless summer. So many mixed emotions and feelings all within a span of one day. So tiring, taxing, and draining. Yet, so exciting, rewarding, and joyous. I feel like only a few things fit that description, and for me, it’s: Motherhood. Well, I should specify: Motherhood with 3 young children.
I love my children with my whole heart. I’m so grateful for them and I love watching them grow and develop into the wonderful people they are. So don’t take any of this as me not being incredibly and utterly grateful for the privelege of being their mother.
When we welcomed McCartney into our family a little over 6 years ago, Lucas and I found it was best for us for me to be a stay at home mom. I already wrote all about that in another post, but for the 5 1/2 years I was a full time mom, it was sure a rollercoaster ride. But so worth it. Last summer, a job opportunity presented itself that I jumped on. The unique thing is I’m still a full time mom, now just a part time worker as well. My job is awesome in that on my office days, my kids are allowed to come with me. They have toys and couches set up, so they are good for the few hours I do my in-office things. I also have a home office set up, and I don’t work more than 20 or so hours a week. It’s really a great fit for our family! I’m very grateful for my job. It took a few months to get over the Mom Guilt that would try to bring me down for not giving my kids 100% of my attention 20 hours a week. I’m happy to say I pushed that unnecessary guilt aside and it’s working out :)
Being that I’m still with my kids (besides my oldest who is in full day school) 24/7, my “endless winter” can have some days that see little to no “summer”. My youngest, Brooks, had quite the time when he got to about 10 months old. He discovered high pitch screaming, and that was so fun ;). He especially loved to scream when anyone came into the office to talk to me, and any time I needed to make a work call from home. That scream caused me some hearing loss, I’m sure of it. Brooks also discovered how to wrestle and tackle once he started walking. Oh, and the pinching. My poor four year old, Murphy, was the test dummy for all of Brooks’s discoveries. She wouldn’t do anything to provoke him, he would just come up to her, tackle her, then pinch her arm hard enough to leave a mark. Lots of tears from everyone during that 8 month streak. And how do you discipline a 10-18 month old?! He didn’t understand when I told him no, so it was rough.
Murphy, being a typical four year old girl, brought on its own challenges. She started preschool, which has been great. She’s doing awesome and really coming into her personality. But man, her passion about some things like chocolate covered granola bars and short sleeved dresses is something fierce. If I’m out of the specific bars she likes, all hell will break loose. If I try to give her a t-shirt or long sleeved dress to wear that day, I won’t be leaving the house until I give in and get her a short sleeved dress. (I’ve since learned it’s not worth the fight, so all she has is short sleeved dresses). Trying to balance these two little raging balls of emotion with a to do list for work and a to do list for housework can get pretty complicated.
Sometimes, Motherhood can leave me feeling very alone. Although my kids would rather sit in a steamy, humid bathroom than give me a shower alone, I still feel the lonliness creep in. I do have some amazing friends (shoutout to my bestie Erin) who help with this because they are in the same boat. It’s just a weird experience being lonely while never being left alone.
Overstimulation is a real thing. Every so often I feel like if one of my kids lays another finger on me for a snuggle or hug, I might explode. I love my baby snuggles, but sometimes it gets to be too much. And when your kids have been whining all day (my six year old most definitely included in this) and complaining that you “never snuggle” with them and “never play” with them…when you spent all morning doing just those things..it can add another level to the overstimulation.
Every now and then Lucas and I will talk about the hypothetical question: “Would you rather eliminate sleep or eliminate food if you had to pick one”. I definitely thought (before kids) I would eliminate sleep because then I’d get an extra 8 hours in a day to eat ;) but really, sleep seemed like the obvious choice. Well after having kids, I now realize I would pick food in a heartbeat. Figuring out what three picky eaters will eat for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, and dessert is so exhausting! Well, my kids aren’t actually super picky, but my oldest has Celiacs Disease so all gluten snacks are off the table for her. There are certain things my kids just won’t eat, but then when I stick to buying what they will eat..after a while they get sick of it. And they don’t want the alternatives. And they are Always. Hungry. I’m grateful they’re growing and know they will get food when they ask for it, but man! I’m always looking for filling snacks, balanced meals, and worrying about their nutrition. If there were some magical way we could eat just for enjoyment, I’d be all over that ;)
Even with all these things that can make my “winter” seem endless, there is always a break in the clouds when my “sunshine” shines through. When McCartney comes home from school, Murphy and Brooks wait at the door impatiently and shout out “McCartney!!” while she gets off the bus and walks up our steps. McCartney still thinks I’m the bees knees and comes to me with any and all things she wants to talk about. Murphy is the best snuggler and she can be so, so sweet. She always lets me know I’m “a good mom” and that she loves me. Brooks is finally talking, which has decreased the screaming. He gives the best hugs and is a definite Mama’s Boy. He’s so sweet and silly, and rounds our family out in the best way.
I love watching my kids grow, and helping them along the way. I love hearing their ideas, and listening to them laugh at each other’s jokes. I hope and pray they’ll stay best friends as they get older. I love seeing them step into their personalities. I love how different and unique they are from each other. They each have their own dislikes/likes, interests, and opinions. They play together so well and I just love it.
My children give me a slew of emotions and “weather”. Through the cold of the winter, and the warmth of the summer, my three children make up the best part of my life. Whether it’s “winter” or “summer”, I know it’s not actually endless. One day they’ll be grown and doing their own thing. I need to remind myself of this daily when I find myself wishing they would be older already. I’m sure that time will bring on its own climate change ;) For now, I’ll enjoy the moments of joy, and keep in mind it’s fleeting during the moments of hardship.
As far as this actual winter, if you’re somewhere sunny and nice…please send all those vibes this way :)
-Allison S. Dahl
