I promise next time my post will be on a lighter topic! But for today's post, I am afraid it's quite the opposite.
I know several people who have been hit very hard with this issue. It's almost a silent killer and leaves us wondering why, and even worse, how could we have stopped it?
Suicide takes the lives of many, and we never can find complete understanding as to why. I think the hardest part is that there are so many "what if I had..." associated with suicide that can make the suffering ones crazy themselves.
Not too many people know this, but I had an uncle once. His name was David, and he was my mom's younger brother. It was just those two growing up, and according to my mother, they were pretty close. Shortly after my mom married my dad, and David was a senior in high school, he made the decision to take his life. No one saw it coming, and everyone wished they could rewind the time and convince him to change his mind. He was 17 years old and had a full life ahead of him. But something in his brain decided 17 years was enough time to live, and it was the end of his life path.
Well, fourteen years and five other children later, I came into the picture. I had two sets of grandparents even though my father's parents had passed, I had my mom's cousins who I considered aunts and uncles, and I had no reason to believe I wasn't loved by many. As I got older, I came to learn of David. Even though it had been decades since his death, I found myself wondering similar questions as those who knew him.
My dad had a half brother, but he and his wife never had children. So, that means I don't have any first cousins. This wasn't that big of a deal in Washington, but when we moved to Idaho when I was in high school, that was just another weird thing about me. I felt like everyone was related in Idaho, and I didn't even have a fist cousin to joke with about it.
In my teen year while I suffered with my mental illness, I often wondered about David. What was he like? Did he like football or chess? Was he into classical music or the Beatles? Did he like Chinese food like me? Would we have been close had he stayed alive? Where would he live now? What would be his career? How many children would he and his wife have? Would he ever have even gotten married?
The questions grew into a heartbreaking list. Even though I never knew him, I always saw the pain in my mother's eyes when his name was brought up. I could feel the loss of someone who was very much loved. This pain often stopped me from making a similar choice, so I suppose that may be the only thing that can be viewed as semi-positive about his death. I am certain there are other things that could've stopped me though, so I most certainly don't view David's death as necessary.
After I had graduated high school, and was moving on into my own adult life, I found myself missing someone I didn't know. I thought about David more frequently and even found myself growing angry towards him. Why would he do such a thing? What possessed him into thinking he needed to die? Didn't realize what a permanent decision that was? What about his mother? Didn't he worry about hurting her, or even hurting his father? Why didn't he tell them he was sad? Why didn't he get scared and just breakdown and tell his mom? Why?
Adding to the much-too-long list of questions, I found myself realizing I wouldn't receive answers any time soon. I decided being angry wasn't helping anyone, in fact it was just hurting myself. I needed to find peace though. Over the years, my mom has become a little bit more open about it with us, her children. I can't even fathom how hard that would be. I personally haven't lost anyone I knew and associated with on a daily basis to death. I know one day it will happen, but I hope it's not for a very long time. I can't imagine how hard it was for my mom and grandparents. He was so young, and left much too soon. No mother should have to bury her baby, and how awful that my grandmother had to.
Now, as I'm married and building our lives and careers, I can't help but miss the uncle I never knew. There are times when I feel like we would've been close. I probably would talk to him the way I talk to my older brother. We'd probably meet up for lunches if he lived nearby, and if he didn't, Lucas and I would go visit him. He'd probably have a few children of his own and we'd have more family reunions. The list goes on of what could have been.
The nice thing about my religion is we do indeed believe in an after life. I know that has given me much comfort when it comes to David. I firmly believe I will get to meet him one day, and I will have some questions answered. He probably won't be able to answer all of them, because I think even he would question why he did it. I look forward to the next life when I can see that we can be close, and I can say I have an uncle.
Suicide is such a complicated thing. One of my church leaders said that someone who does that isn't in their right mind when they do it, so they can't be judged for taking a life. I still wish David had stayed. I wish he had found a reason to not end his own life. I suppose it taught his family, including myself, many things, but I feel those lessons could've been learned many other ways. It might sound strange to miss someone you've never met, but I do. I do miss David.
If you ever feel like life isn't for you anymore, just remember it gets better. Think of your family, friends, and even colleagues. Even if you feel hated and that everyone would be better off without you, that simply isn't true. People will miss you for generations to come. Don't take your life, don't do that to the people that know you. You don't want to give them an entire list of questions you'll have to answer someday. If you're feeling that low, talk to someone. They even have a suicide hotline now. Call them. Anything to help you feel better and stop feeling like taking your life is the only answer.
If there's anything I want you to take from this post, it's that even after over 30 years of David's passing, he's still missed. He hasn't been forgotten. His mother and father remember him and still love him. They still wish they could hug him again. His sister still feels the pain every year that goes by. Yes, they all continued their lives, but they have been forever altered. Even David's nieces and nephews he never came to know miss him. So please, don't take your life. It may ease your burdens for a time, but those burdens don't simply disappear. They are put on your loved ones and they are left missing you miserably.
Thank you for reading, and I promise I'll write a happier post soon!
-Allison S. Dahl
