What Happened With That?

This post is a sequel (if you will) to my adoption post. I would suggest reading that one before continuing to read this post, just so it makes more sense :)

When Lucas and I first moved to Nevada, I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone about the adoption. First of all, I didn't know anyone well enough to discuss that with them, but also, I didn't want to hear their opinions about it. Moving here was like a clean slate, and I didn't need to share my life with complete strangers anymore (I know my blog speaks the complete opposite of that...since I don't think I know 12,000 people...but you get my point). I just decided to skip that part when telling people about my life after high school. After a while, I felt pretty weird leaving that major detail out.

Facebook has a lovely way of reminding us of events in the past by using its "memories" feature. It's kind of fun to see random posts I've made over the years. Well, this past month marks two years since I first shared my story as a birth mother online. Seeing that memory made me feel even more weird that I didn't tell anyone I placed a baby for adoption. Reading all the comments and shares from that post were very encouraging, and thus inspired me to break my silence. Once again.

Time has a funny way of altering our perspectives on things. After I posted my story two years ago, I wasn't hesitant anymore to tell anyone I had had a baby. I was actually eager to talk about it because I hoped it would help someone along the way. I was happy when people asked me why I decided to place Adelé, and even happier to have a story written out to refer to. Well, as time went on and did its fancy altering, I stopped talking about it as much. It was like my fifteen minutes of fame had died down, and talking about it sounded more like a re-run to me. I wasn't really hiding it yet, and every now and then I would still share things about it, but it didn't really come up anymore. Sure enough, after more time had passed, my perspective on my story changed. I still look at it as a very hard thing I went through, but that isn't the main point anymore. When I shared it the first time, it was more of a way to cope with the pain of placing her. Sharing my story was my way of being completely vulnerable in hopes it would help heal me. I won't lie, it definitely helped to see the tremendous amount of support I received from people I didn't even know. Looking back on those comments has given me strength even now, which I'm grateful for. Now, though, I look at my story as a birth mother from quite a different light. While in the process of my perspective evolving, I found myself biting my tongue each time I went to mention the adoption here in Nevada.

After all the initial pain of giving your child to someone else has decreased, you start to look for the reward of "doing the right thing". At least that's how I was. I was hoping that some miraculous life-changing experience would happen and it would all make sense as to why I had to go through everything. Well, I'm here to tell you, there wasn't an event like that. Yes, I was able to marry an incredibly wonderful man, and yes I was able to attend school and work my way to a decent job, but who's to say I wouldn't have been able to do those things had I kept Adelé? The answer is no one. There isn't a guarantee that my life would be awful if I had made the other choice. There's a chance everything would've worked out about the same, I'd just have Adelé as my daughter. That's just it though, there's a chance. Just a chance that everything would have worked out so that Adelé could have a decent father figure. Just a chance that she could grow up in a stable home, and just a chance that I would be able to provide for her before I met someone who would be willing to join our family. My friends, this realization was my life-changing event. It took some time for this thought to evolve, but it's clear now.

I remember holding Adelé for the first time and being so dumbfounded at how perfect she was. There really aren't any words to describe that feeling. The chance that everything would work out for her best interest was not one I was willing to take. She deserved far more than the chance things would be to her best interest. I knew, for a fact, that she would have a loving mother and father with Holly and Oley. I knew that they would provide her with every need (and some) she had. I knew that she'd have a place to call her home, and have a happy one at that. I knew that Adelé would never question if she was loved or not. With the adoption being open, she'll always have a way to find answers to the questions she may have once she gets older. I see her every now and then, and she is so happy. She has her father wrapped around her finger, and loves every minute of it. She looks up to her mother and calls her Mommy, and doesn't question that. I see how much Holly and Oley love her, too. If you saw them as a family and had no idea she was adopted, you wouldn't know because they love her like she was their own. They just fit together. Yeah, they have their challenges I'm sure (because no family is perfect), but they're happy, and happy together. That was something that I couldn't take from Adelé. I couldn't sacrifice every sure joy in her life for the chance I could give her the same.

Well, I am so grateful now that I had the courage to make that heart-throbbing decision. It was only divine intervention that made me willing to do it in the first place, and it was through the help of my Savior that I was able to go through with it. I get to see how happy Adelé is, and how her life is off to a beautiful start. She's growing much too fast, but I'm happy to see Holly and Oley enjoying it so much.

Even after two and half years, it's still hard for me at times. That pain is minimal, though, when I see how truly happy Holly, Oley, and Adelé are. It's worth every struggle to know I made the best decision I could for that sweet little girl. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll come to realize more reasons as to why this decision was so crucial. For now, I'm satisfied with saying that placing Adelé not only shaped me into a stronger person, but it also gave her the life she deserves. It's true that it was incredibly hard to know I couldn't be the one to provide that, but I'm happy I could find a couple who could. So, if you have ever thought to yourself, "I wonder what ever happened with that girl's adoption, and if things worked out..", now you know. It did work out, it really did.

-Allison S. Dahl

Somewhere In Between

I don't know what it is lately, but coming up with a blog introduction has been unusually challenging. When all else fails, I figure an honest statement will do. ;)

The last time I posted, Lucas and I were in a boat that seemed to be sinking. Looking back, a few months doesn't seem like a long time to struggle. During the time however, it seemed like it would never end. I think our short two and a half months down here has really taught us some valuable lessons. I'm really excited...and slightly hesitant...to see what the next several years will teach us.

I just have to say Lucas is a wonderful man. I know it sounds corny to gush about him, and I'm sure at least fifty percent of my audience will roll their eyes at this, but I'm going to anyway. I love Lucas more and more each day. I remember hearing a man say that about his wife when I was younger, and I always thought it sounded impossible. How could you love someone more than you did just the day before? While I can't possibly convey the exact amount of love I have for Lucas, I do know it is ever growing. Perhaps that's what the man meant, because it makes perfect sense to me now. Every day I spend with Lucas, I find more things to love about him. More often than not, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. One night a couple of weeks ago, I was having a pretty hard time. Lucas caught on to that, and somehow knew just what I needed. He turned on the song we danced to on our first date (Yellow by Coldplay) and we slowed danced in our kitchen. We've made the dancing a small habit now, but that night it meant so much. Lucas calmed my fears and in the brief time the song was playing, I felt so much appreciation for him. As we danced, I pictured that first night in my head, and all of the other nights in between, and I couldn't help but be in my own state of bliss. I know I'll never understand how or what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I am so grateful he's mine for eternity. What a blessing it is to know that no matter what happens in this life, I'll get to have him in the next. 

As far as what happens in this life, oh man, there's a ton. Moving down here with just the two of us is one of the best things we have been privileged enough to do. It has also been the hardest thing we've done together. I feel like when you plan everything out, and things seem to be going accordingly, that's when a curve ball gets thrown. It's almost life's way of saying "good one". Beyond just our job transfers not working out, there were some other disheartening occurrences that really hit us hard. Disappointment took many forms, and we were both ready to 'throw in the towel' and call it quits. When we were at our lowest, we turned to our Savior in hopes that a miracle would happen. Lucas and I have attended the temple several times since we've been down here and it's amazing to me the comfort we've found there. Each time we have gone, the feeling of 'everything will work out' has given us the strength to stay. My testimony in the Gospel has grown so much in such a short time. I know Heavenly Father has been mindful of us, and I've felt the love of our Savior so strongly. So, we stuck it out. We didn't throw in the towel. I already have found new employment, and Lucas is doing the same. It'd be a stretch to say "everything has worked out" because we're still in the process, but things are looking better. 

Our boat is surfacing and the waters are looking less fierce. I'm so grateful to be on this journey with Lucas. I've loved watching our marriage grow stronger and seeing how close we've come to Heavenly Father. Somewhere in between is a lovely place to be, and we're getting closer each step of the way.

-Allison S. Dahl