A Little Bit Of Allison: Untitled

I couldn't really think of a title for this one, hence the clever name of "Untitled".

Lately I've been thinking a lot, which I have no other choice but to do just that considering my lack of a job. I've thought a lot about pretty much everything in my life, and I've come to a whole slew of conclusions on different things. One thing I guess I want to blog about is something I can't really put one word to. I suppose phrasing it as a question would best describe it. So, have you ever had so much to say to one person, yet you realize you may never get the opportunity to say it all? I feel like I'm in this bind. There is so much I could say, so many cutting words and questions that would definitely open this person's eyes, yet I'll probably never see them again. And it's not like I'm going to make a phone call, so therefore, I'm stuck dwelling with all the perfect things I could say to this person, and they will continue life and go on as if I don't exist.

Isn't that frustrating? If there are any of you who are in the same position, then you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's like being a boiling kettle, ready to blow. You're just at the right heat that will keep you boiling, but never allow you to release anything. I feel like it's not fair. I feel as though I've been left with this permanent consequence (in reference to my specific situation) and the other person who helped me get here can go about their merry way and not even think about it. It drives me crazy. I wish so badly I could call said person and tell him to meet me somewhere and oh boy, I'd let him have it. Say everything and anything so that he couldn't escape the pain. Then I have to wonder, if that all really happened, would I feel any relief? If I indeed said everything I wanted to say, would I be happy? Could I move on? I don't know. I don't know if it would bring me the satisfaction I always imagine it would.

So instead I guess I'll blog about it, being that's another one of my 'only option' situations. I hope that the saying of what goes around comes around is really true. Not that I'm wishing harm on this person, but more of I'm wishing I'll someday get the happiness he seems to live all too well. One day I suppose, but until then, I'll continue like I've said before. Waiting, hoping, and dreaming of my more beautiful tomorrows.

-Allison

P.O.C.A.

Long ago, I thought of a phrase

I asked a friend if it made sense,

She said no.

Embarrassed that once again,

it was only me who understood

I buckled, and said it came from someone else.

Later on, I thought

It can't be from someone else,

That phrase is mine

So here I am,

Using this phrase

this oh so "embarrassing" line

Bleeding scar, 

Hopeless fate.

There, I've said it. And it works

On this particular date. 

-Allison S. De Arton

Week 17: The Feel

Here I lay, in what feels like my coffin.
My heart still beating, although it's exhausted.
Memories flooding through my mind,
Flashbacks replaying as if to rewind.
Clenching on to what feels like hope,
Even though it's just a blanket helping me cope.
I cringe at each moment, playing relentlessly.
Why can't my mind spare me, and continue contently.
I close my eyes as the tears begin to fall,
Abandoned, I'm left here in despair of it all.
How can you move on and forget everything?
You pretend it didn't happen, that must be your new beginning.
I hope to never see you again,
Because you've left me with nothing, not even a friend.

-Allison S. De Arton

A Little Bit of Allison: Kindness

Alright, I'm kind of a sucker. And the person who inspired this post will probably roll their eyes at me, because to him..it was probably just a simple compliment, but to me, well it resulted in a full on post.

I think today, as a society, we overlook kindness and may even view it as a weakness. The particular form of kindness I want to write about is complimenting someone, or expressing your appreciation for something they've done.

I had an interesting Sunday night which lead to an uneventful Monday. Basically, my whole day was altered because of the events from last night. So, when I received a text from an old friend complimenting things I had written, it really turned everything around. I can guarantee that this friend merely wanted to share that he thought what I had written was good, and nothing more. I bet you he didn't think of the impact it would have. So here I am wondering, how is it that this simple text message made my mediocre Monday an enjoyable one? It really did turn my whole evening around and actually made me smile. That also makes me wonder how we as a people can view kindness as weak when it has so much power over one person? It's interesting to me that through grade school, and I'm sure we all experienced this one way or another, the kid who was the mean one generally had more power over us. The bully was the top kid. Why is that when a simple "you look nice today" can do so much more for a person than pushing them down? I guess the point I'm trying to get at is that a lot of times we might hold back a compliment because we don't want to look like ninnies, but if we only said it, oh what an impact it would have made!

So, I guess after all this rambling, the one thing I want you to gain from this post is that kindness goes much further than we ever give it credit for. That one friend's text tonight made a world of difference in my life, so go ahead and make someone else's night. :)

-Allison

P.O.C.A.

Broken.
Torn.
Shattered.
Left.

Used.
Boring.
Gloomy.
Next.

Forgotten.
Mistreated.
Replaced.
Dead.

Revived.
Wanted.
Loved.
Instead.

Happy.
Joyful.
Grateful.
Content.

Steps.
Repeated.
Until.
Death.

-Allison S. De Arton

Week 16: Escape

I'd like to leave, to pack up and go.
I know where I'm going, but I don't want you to know.
I'll take all my belongings, well, the ones I find I'll need,
But I'll leave my cell phone, so don't call me please.

I'm leaving the country, going to a different land.
I'll change my name and maybe even start a foreign band.
It doesn't matter because once I board the plane,
You probably won't see me, no, not ever again.

I'm starting a new life, getting rid of this one.
I'm going to take chances, risk things, and have fun.
I'll be a completely different person than I am today,
But don't try to come find me, for I've made my escape.

-Allison S. De Arton

A Little Bit of Allison: All I Wanted...

I guess it’s normal for people my age to post their feelings online. I mean, we see it on Facebook everyday. So world, here you go, welcome to what I’m going through…as if my poems weren’t enough.

Every now and then I have a night where I turn on the sad music (I actually have an iTunes playlist called “Sad”) and think about all the failed relationships in my life. It always turns out that I long for one of them, wishing it hadn’t ended. I always feel broken and go to bed and wake up and carry on as if it didn’t happen. It seems these nights are more frequent lately. I can’t decide if it’s because of the holidays, the circumstance I’m currently in, or the fact that I’m just downright lonely. Either option would make sense I suppose. 

I think the feeling of being in love is so fantastic that we forget how amazing it is until suddenly it isn’t there anymore. And it’s at this moment that we realize how awful being alone is. Especially when it seems as though everyone around us has someone. I’m not a fan of the single life. I know a lot of people say they enjoy it because they don’t have to worry, they don’t have to be sorry, no hurting and blah, blah, blah…but I would rather feel all that plus enjoy the perks of a relationship than having nothing at all. 

I feel like I’ve been single for a long time, yet every time I try to think, “Ok, I’m done with this. Time to find me a man.” I’m still stuck in the same single boat, rowing it by myself. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so fed up with it that I have tried desperate measures. Unfortunately those measures cost money, so I gave up on that too. I don’t know what I’m expecting. To tell you the truth, I don’t really care. I mean I’m not going to date a shmo, but it’s not like I’m so picky and that’s why I’m single. I mean seriously, you see these girls who get asked on so many dates that they have to say no. My goodness, I don’t even have the opportunity to say yes.

 I’m not sure why I’m single. I don’t know why all my attempts have failed. That whole “Yellow Zebra” concept seems to keep happening, even though I’m constantly changing who the zebra is. What about me is so unattractive to the male population right now? I’m not even kidding. I will bluntly tell a guy I think he’s cute or I’m interested, and they come up with some lame excuse as to why I’m no good for them. It’s actually quite depressing. None of them have said I was ugly or gross, it’s more of I’m just not for them. How is that possible? I don’t get it. 

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the male mind. I remember the week after my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me, I was a magnet. I kid you not, dates every night. But now that I haven’t been dumped recently, it’s like I have a sticker on my forehead that says, “DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME, I’M FRIEND ZONE MATERIAL.” And of course, boys heed to that invisible sticker. I never put it there, in case anyone is wondering. I just don’t know what to do. I’m tired of waiting around. And what exactly am I supposed to be waiting for? Some guy to waltz in to me at Wal*Mart and be like, “Hey, I like you. Be my lady!”? I just don’t know anymore. Obviously I have no other option but to continue life, but let me tell you…it’s awful right now. That’s right, I just posted that online. Awful. My life is awful. Don’t get me wrong, I have food and a bed, but as far as my all around happiness goes, there’s none to speak of. 

I’m sorry if this post totally put a damper on your day, but it definitely helps me release some sort of energy. Thanks for reading.

-Allison

P.O.C.A.

A blank page sits in front of me.
What life this page will live, I get to make that be.
I write words and erase them, for they have to be perfect.
I want this page to be happy, not to be the reject.
If only I could talk to the page, ask it what it wanted,
Then maybe it's words could be flaunted.
I think of what would go together,
What words would rhyme, making it flow like a feather.
And once I place the words on the page,
I'll let it be free, and let it drift away.
Hopefully my words made it confident and strong,
Maybe those words will be made into a song.
But for now, they belong to the once blank page, and to the page alone.
Oh page, if you get noticed, do contact me by phone.

Allison S. De Arton

Week 15: Trucking Along

I'm at that point in my life where I feel as though I'm trucking along.
Just going through the motions, trying to hold on.
I won't lie, life has gotten rather boring,
If my life were a book and you were reading it, you'd be snoring.

I don't like that I have only a few things to look forward to.
I wish I was dating someone, so I could be excited about "seeing you".
I feel as though everything is just floating by,
And as I thought about this the other night, it made me cry.

I'm tired of being lonely and tired of missing all them.
I don't know how to fix that though, as surely I would have my friend.
Maybe something exciting is just around the corner.
Oh how joyous that would be, to put my life in order.

I guess until then I'll just have to wait.
Keep doing what I've been doing, and maybe this boredom appreciate.
I'll just keep going, and write poem after poem about my memories,
Because until then, I'm stuck with nothing but these.

-Allison S. De Arton