Thank you to all of those who watched my v-log.
For those of you who know anything about me, you know that I have a black cat named Stickchi. Pronounced like Stick-Chee. The only person I permit to give nicknames to my cat other than myself is Erin. So, if your name isn't Erin Norma, please refrain from addressing my cat by anything but her first name.
So, we got Stickchi when we first moved here to Idaho about 8 years ago. We got her from the humane society where I chased her around the store to get her. We've been besties ever since ;).
Stickchi was my first confidant in Idaho due to the fact that my mental illness drove anyone else away at the time. Stickchi put up with my dramatic mood swings and, some nights, was the only thing catching my tears.
As the years have gone by and I've moved out and moved back, my darling cat has always remained loyal to me. Well, let's be real, she's a cat. So I've always remained loyal to her ;)
When the adoption of Adelé took place, it was clear I needed to hold on to something alive and breathing at night to comfort the pain. My giant Piglet I've had since my 6th birthday has always been a great support, but Stickchi had that extra something. She's alive.
As this year has passed, Stickchi and I have formed a bond that no other cat will be able to replace. Sometimes in the recent months I've had nightmares where Stickchi dies. Well, I've taken this to be symbolic because while I was pregnant with baby A, I always dreamt she would turn into a cat after she was born. Holly and I made jokes out of it and really enjoyed talking about cats and how much Holly hates them, just like I hate dogs. Well my friends, I've taken these dreams of Stickchi dying as a symbol of my need for baby A to be my daughter dying. My body doesn't long to hold Adelé anymore like it used to.
When discussing all of this on baby A's birthday with my boyfriend, Lucas said to me:
"I think this is Heaven;y Father's way of telling you you get to choose how to feel now."
I agree with Lucas, and the emotion I choose to feel is joy. Joy that I have Stickchi, and joy that Adelé has Dinky and Lily (their dogs). Joy that Adelé has a rockin' mom and a domesticated stay at home dad. Joy that I, Allison, have come to terms with placing baby A and taking in Stickchi.
With that, I leave you the lyrics to a song that I just recently related to my experience in the hospital with Adelé. It was Wednesday night, and placement would take place the next day. Thank you Maroon 5, I couldn't have said it better myself...yet.
Here I am waiting
I'll have to leave soon
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come
We knew it all along
How did it come so fast?
This is our last night but it's late
And I'm trying not to sleep
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
Here I am staring at your perfection
In my arms, so beautiful
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out
Somebody slow it down
This is way too hard, cause I know
When the sun comes up, I will leave
This is my last glance that will soon be memory
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
I never want it to stop
Because I don't wanna start all over
Start all over
I was afraid of the dark
But now it's all that I want
All that I want, all that I want
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close
(Lyrics provided by A-Z Lyric Universe, A-Z Lyrics)
-Allison Susanne De Arton
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