I don't think I can emphasize enough how much my life is changing, so that's why I keep mentioning it. It's crazy watching things fall in and out of place as Lucas and I take these steps together. I don't think I'll ever understand why some things have panned out the way they have, but such is life.
Today I would like to post about my dear, sweet Adelé. Time continues to pass, and she continues to grow. (She's walking now!) She has so much sass and attitude, it's pretty funny. I have no idea where she got that from ;)
One thing I have always missed about Adelé is being able to talk to her on a regular, frequent basis. I remember after the adoption and after a break up I went through, all I wanted to do was load her up in her carseat and drive around with her and tell her everything. I even drove around late some nights and pretended she was there, and rehearsed everything I would be saying to her if she were really in the car. I know babies can't always give responses, heck even toddlers can't, but just being able to talk to her about my life was something I always felt a large void of.
Now that I'm getting married in the temple, and to the man of my dreams, I want to tell Adelé about all the changes I've made in my life. Yeah, I still have my flaws. I still have a hard time biting my tongue and thinking before I post (haha, see what I did there?), and I still make mistakes, but I am oh so different than I was when I was pregnant with her.
I love that my bitter pregnancy didn't wear off on her. Instead, she inherited my sassy, bubbly, love-of-life perspective, and I can already see that in her.
If there were one thing I could tell my little Bug, I would tell her of the sacrifice I made to give her a better life. Not to make her feel bad, or to think I am a great person, but to make her see how much I really do love her. Sometimes I feel regret for replacing her with Lucas. I feel like I've abandoned her by letting go of her as my daughter. Then I am reminded that I didn't "let her go", and I didn't "replace" her. I have given her a chance to move on from a life that would bring her heartache. I have given myself a chance to let go of the memories of the dark nights and bitter mornings.
About a month or so ago, I actually contacted Adelé's birth father, Chris. He's engaged now and has most definitely moved on, as have I. I asked him what he would like me to tell her when she got older. His response was simple, that he didn't mind because I was the one who decided to keep it open. At first my heart broke to hear this. How could he still be so careless towards this beautiful girl I cherished in my heart? How could anyone be so cold? Then, after a few weeks, I realized he was right. It was my choice. I am the one who agreed to keep things open for Adelé, so I am the one who will have to step up to the plate and answer the questions when the time comes. Chris said from the very beginning, before she was even 8 weeks along, that he didn't want to be a part of this. And he had every right to feel that way. So, instead of retaliating and saying something defensive, I wished him the best. I really do want a good life for him, but I don't care to know anything of it.
Will all of that being said, I bring it up because I wanted, more than anything, to tell Adelé of my new discovery. I wanted to tell her that I don't hate Chris anymore, and I wanted to tell her all about what happened with us.
One day, when Adelé comes to me and asks to know the past, I won't tell her harsh words about her birth father. I won't tell her the pain I went through during a lonely pregnancy, and I won't mention the bitter times and feelings I had towards Chris. I will tell her the times we shared where we really were happy. I will tell her of the summer when I was lost. I will tell her how it took me two years to finally come to the realization that everything happened just the way it was supposed to. I wish I could tell her that now, but she wouldn't quite understand what I was saying. What I do love about my relationship with Adelé is that I know she knows who I am. She is aware that there is a bond between us that you can't put words to. In the quiet moments where we are spending time together, she will smile and look me in the eye, and it's for that brief moment that I know she loves me and knows who I am. I know one day she may struggle with understanding. One day she may ask so many questions and she may not feel my love for her. But I also know that that same day I will have answers. I won't shrug my shoulders. I won't shut her out. I will tell her everything, and I will not omit a single detail.
I still love and miss Little Bug dearly, but I know that as time goes on, so will life, and it won't always be hard. I know happier times are awaiting (38 days!) and I know Heavenly Father will keep me in mind since I have done what He wanted.
Thank you for reading!
-Allison Susanne De Arton
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