With all of the random topics I’ve come up with, it’s been hard to choose which one I would start with. I decided this one would be best because it seems overdue.
Well, we all know how I am with being vulnerable. I mean, I’ve posted about my adoption, which was extremely personal. I shared about our miscarriage, which was something we didn’t even tell most of our family about right away. (Don’t worry, they knew before I posted that blog.) I’ve shared my opinions on sensitive/controversial topics. You get my point; I can be vulnerable online. And for whatever reason, it doesn’t bother me.
One particular topic I haven’t been super open about is my mental illness. I don’t know why, I used to be open about it in grade school. Maybe I was then because I had to explain my terrifying behavior with a ‘valid’ excuse. Once I left high school and the stigma that I was less because my brain didn’t function properly without medication behind, I guess I decided I was tired of people defining me by my brain. I know that sounds odd, but think about it. (Pun not intended)
Let me put this into perspective for you. Think of two random women. We’ll call one Mac and one Sariah. I don’t have any close female friends with those names, so it works for me ;)
Mac is super cool, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and always fashionable. Mac graduated high school AND college with a 4.0 GPA. Ok, well maybe it was a 3.8 or something, but she’s like..smart, you know? Picture Mac as someone who succeeds at what she does, and while all the other women are jealous, she’s pretty rockin’. Yeah Mac has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine. She handled life (it seems) pretty well so far, so there’s hardly anything she can fail at. It’s true that every month, Mac gets a little cray cray. But, all women do. And…yeah Mac has meltdowns in her office sometimes…but hey, she’s under a lot of stress. I mean, being that successful that quickly…anyone would melt under that kind of pressure. Mac is awesome. So awesome.
Alright, now let’s take a look at Sariah. Sariah is super nice, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and sometimes fashionable (on her good days). Sariah graduated high school AND college, which is super good for her!! Ok, well maybe I should explain. Sariah takes meds, which is fine, but she was crazy before she started taking pills everyday. Picture Sariah as someone who succeeds at what she does, but all the other women are watching her closely because of her life before medication. Yeah, she’s pretty ‘rocking’, but sometimes in all the wrong ways. Sariah has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine…now. She didn’t handle pubescent life very well. But after the hospital visits (whether the long or the short ones) she’s better. There’s hardly anything she can fail at, according to how she looks on paper. Every month, Sariah gets a little cray cray. Even more so than all women do. And…Sariah has meltdowns in her office sometimes…she blames it on her job like she’s under a lot of ‘stress’. I’m not one to judge, but if she couldn’t handle becoming that successful that quickly, she shouldn’t have gone for those degrees. Sariah melts under any kind of pressure. She’s so…fragile.
So those two examples are obviously about fictional people and fictional situations. But those situations are pretty common these days. I don’t exactly know why, but somehow people who take medicine for their brain are scarier than people who take medicine for their hearts, or any other vital part of the human body. I get that mental episodes are extremely challenging for those who are part of them in one way or another, but so is a heart attack. I’m pretty sure watching someone pass out because their blood sugar is too low is terrifying as well. But people with diabetes are just as accepted as someone with high cholesterol. Yeah, it sucks that these people have these life threatening issues, but we seem to be ok with them as people because at least they’re sane all the time around us. Yeah, our friend with heart issues might give out one day if they forget their medicine, but that’s ok, that doesn’t concern us. But our friend with depression, well that’s a different story.
People, what is wrong with us?! Where did this stigma come from? I’ve obviously thought about it in depth, and the only answer I can come up with is that we naturally dislike things we don’t understand. I even catch myself doing this. For example, I’ll see a teen mom with a crying baby at the grocery store. She’ll be on her phone, looking tired and exhausted, trying to soothe the baby by absentmindedly handing the child a pacifier or treat. My immediate thought is “Man, she should’ve placed.” Why? Why do I automatically think that every teen mother should place her child for adoption? Is it just because I did? Is it because I knew I couldn’t be a single mom, so now suddenly I think no one younger than 20 should either? Is it because I’m jealous that I don’t know the feeling of a baby calling me ‘mommy’? I’m to the point now where I’ll catch myself, and remind myself that I don’t know that woman’s life. I don’t know her story, and she’s made her decision that she felt was best for her and her baby. Then I move on to the next thought I have, which is usually “now which brand is cheaper, and is the WinCo butter better than Land of Lakes?”.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that mental illness shouldn’t be viewed as this scary thing. Just because someone has a mental illness of any kind doesn’t mean we need to have a straight jacket on hand. Medicine for brains has this negative attachment that is, quite frankly, unrealistic. I used to day dream about the day I wouldn’t have to take pills, as if it were some burden to take them every day. Now, I day dream about the day they won’t cost so much, and hope that I’ll always have insurance. Taking medicine every day is the same as taking vitamins sometimes. Bodies work better when they have certain vitamins and minerals in them. My brain works a ton better when I take a specific medicine each night. How does that make me any different than someone who has to take medicine to regulate their blood pressure? Why do we feel that medicine is a weakness? I am so grateful to be alive in a time where that medicine is available to me.
With all of that being said, here I am still hesitant to write specifically which illness I have. I can tell you why, though. I feel like people who know what my illness is are waiting for signals that I’m loosing it. It’s been pretty awesome to live in a place where no one has any idea I have an illness. Why? Because they view me for me, not me when I’m stable or unstable. They like me and see me as a fun bubbly person with a short fuse sometimes. They see someone who misses her family, but is trucking along anyway. They see a real person, not a ticking time bomb. Don’t get me wrong, there a ton of people who know about my mental illness, but still love me as though they didn’t know about it. There are just a handful in my adult life that feel like they need to walk on egg shells around me. I’m sure they have good reason, but that means I always double check what I’m saying or doing around them so I don’t give them a reason to worry. So now we both walk on egg shells around each other. It’s so…fragile ;)
So, tying this post back together, let’s talk about Mac and Sariah again. I tried to emphasize that they actually do very similar things. The only difference is Sariah takes medicine, so she therefore is watched more closely. Mac is given excuses for her irrationality because she’s ‘normal’ and doesn’t take any medication that we know of. I know that mental illness is starting to become more accepted, but why has it taken us so long? It’s sad to me that I still only see a handful of posts about it on Facebook. I see more vague please-feel-bad for me, subtle stabs at family members/friends, or look at how cute my face is today posts than I ever see posts about mental illness and the struggle.
I remember when I was younger, I was under the impression I would grow out of my mental illness. Well, that was false. I’m still annoyed with my head sometimes, but I’ve accepted that my brain just doesn’t work right by itself. It’d be silly for someone with diabetes to reject any sort of insulin treatment, just as silly as it would be for me to stop taking my brain meds.
So, if you take anything from this post, please be more understanding towards those in your life with an illness. Any kind of illness, including mental ones. Don’t view them as crazies who need to be locked away and sedated. View them as people who need your love and support. They already get enough crap from their own brains, they don’t need it from you.
Thanks for reading!
-Allison S. Dahl
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