New! Poem Segments

Hello! Here are a few poems. It will be called Poem Segments and will occur randomly between each bi-weekly post. (Run From that Past).

This is the first! I have brought on a fellow writer who helped me add the pictures. He hasn't established a pen name, so for now, we will call him Fellow Writer Friend. FWF :) He came up with the background to illustrate what my words painted in his mind. Enjoy.

Onward We Go

First, let me say THANK YOU!! I just hit 13,000 views. You guys ROCK. It's pretty surreal to see that number move up.

I am excited about my upcoming Run From That Past post here in a couple of weeks. Well..one week actually. Anyway, it'll be a surprise but let's just say it's going to have more pizazz than most of my other posts :) And, as promised, it will be light hearted. I'm not actually that funny, so hopefully you'll give me a couple of pity laughs. ;)

This blog will be short and sweet, but I just wanted to give a message of encouragement.

If you are having a hard life right now, keep your chin up. Keep smiling, and laugh, even if you don't want to. Someone out there loves you, and it's about time you love you. You deserve it. Yes, you.

Have a good week, and come back Sunday the 17th!

-Allison S. Dahl

Run From That Past: Lost in Time

I promise next time my post will be on a lighter topic! But for today's post, I am afraid it's quite the opposite.

I know several people who have been hit very hard with this issue. It's almost a silent killer and leaves us wondering why, and even worse, how could we have stopped it?

Suicide takes the lives of many, and we never can find complete understanding as to why. I think the hardest part is that there are so many "what if I had..." associated with suicide that can make the suffering ones crazy themselves.

Not too many people know this, but I had an uncle once. His name was David, and he was my mom's younger brother. It was just those two growing up, and according to my mother, they were pretty close. Shortly after my mom married my dad, and David was a senior in high school, he made the decision to take his life. No one saw it coming, and everyone wished they could rewind the time and convince him to change his mind. He was 17 years old and had a full life ahead of him. But something in his brain decided 17 years was enough time to live, and it was the end of his life path.

Well, fourteen years and five other children later, I came into the picture. I had two sets of grandparents even though my father's parents had passed, I had my mom's cousins who I considered aunts and uncles, and I had no reason to believe I wasn't loved by many. As I got older, I came to learn of David. Even though it had been decades since his death, I found myself wondering similar questions as those who knew him.

My dad had a half brother, but he and his wife never had children. So, that means I don't have any first cousins. This wasn't that big of a deal in Washington, but when we moved to Idaho when I was in high school, that was just another weird thing about me. I felt like everyone was related in Idaho, and I didn't even have a fist cousin to joke with about it.

In my teen year while I suffered with my mental illness, I often wondered about David. What was he like? Did he like football or chess? Was he into classical music or the Beatles? Did he like Chinese food like me? Would we have been close had he stayed alive? Where would he live now? What would be his career? How many children would he and his wife have? Would he ever have even gotten married?

The questions grew into a heartbreaking list. Even though I never knew him, I always saw the pain in my mother's eyes when his name was brought up. I could feel the loss of someone who was very much loved. This pain often stopped me from making a similar choice, so I suppose that may be the only thing that can be viewed as semi-positive about his death. I am certain there are other things that could've stopped me though, so I most certainly don't view David's death as necessary.

After I had graduated high school, and was moving on into my own adult life, I found myself missing someone I didn't know. I thought about David more frequently and even found myself growing angry towards him. Why would he do such a thing? What possessed him into thinking he needed to die? Didn't realize what a permanent decision that was? What about his mother? Didn't he worry about hurting her, or even hurting his father? Why didn't he tell them he was sad? Why didn't he get scared and just breakdown and tell his mom? Why?

Adding to the much-too-long list of questions, I found myself realizing I wouldn't receive answers any time soon. I decided being angry wasn't helping anyone, in fact it was just hurting myself. I needed to find peace though. Over the years, my mom has become a little bit more open about it with us, her children. I can't even fathom how hard that would be. I personally haven't lost anyone I knew and associated with on a daily basis to death. I know one day it will happen, but I hope it's not for a very long time. I can't imagine how hard it was for my mom and grandparents. He was so young, and left much too soon. No mother should have to bury her baby, and how awful that my grandmother had to.

Now, as I'm married and building our lives and careers, I can't help but miss the uncle I never knew. There are times when I feel like we would've been close. I probably would talk to him the way I talk to my older brother. We'd probably meet up for lunches if he lived nearby, and if he didn't, Lucas and I would go visit him. He'd probably have a few children of his own and we'd have more family reunions. The list goes on of what could have been.

The nice thing about my religion is we do indeed believe in an after life. I know that has given me much comfort when it comes to David. I firmly believe I will get to meet him one day, and I will have some questions answered. He probably won't be able to answer all of them, because I think even he would question why he did it. I look forward to the next life when I can see that we can be close, and I can say I have an uncle.

Suicide is such a complicated thing. One of my church leaders said that someone who does that isn't in their right mind when they do it, so they can't be judged for taking a life. I still wish David had stayed. I wish he had found a reason to not end his own life. I suppose it taught his family, including myself, many things, but I feel those lessons could've been learned many other ways. It might sound strange to miss someone you've never met, but I do. I do miss David.

If you ever feel like life isn't for you anymore, just remember it gets better. Think of your family, friends, and even colleagues. Even if you feel hated and that everyone would be better off without you, that simply isn't true. People will miss you for generations to come. Don't take your life, don't do that to the people that know you. You don't want to give them an entire list of questions you'll have to answer someday. If you're feeling that low, talk to someone. They even have a suicide hotline now. Call them. Anything to help you feel better and stop feeling like taking your life is the only answer.

If there's anything I want you to take from this post, it's that even after over 30 years of David's passing, he's still missed. He hasn't been forgotten. His mother and father remember him and still love him. They still wish they could hug him again. His sister still feels the pain every year that goes by. Yes, they all continued their lives, but they have been forever altered. Even David's nieces and nephews he never came to know miss him. So please, don't take your life. It may ease your burdens for a time, but those burdens don't simply disappear. They are put on your loved ones and they are left missing you miserably.

Thank you for reading, and I promise I'll write a happier post soon!

-Allison S. Dahl

Run From That Past: Continual Burden

With all of the random topics I’ve come up with, it’s been hard to choose which one I would start with. I decided this one would be best because it seems overdue.

Well, we all know how I am with being vulnerable. I mean, I’ve posted about my adoption, which was extremely personal. I shared about our miscarriage, which was something we didn’t even tell most of our family about right away. (Don’t worry, they knew before I posted that blog.) I’ve shared my opinions on sensitive/controversial topics. You get my point; I can be vulnerable online. And for whatever reason, it doesn’t bother me.

One particular topic I haven’t been super open about is my mental illness. I don’t know why, I used to be open about it in grade school. Maybe I was then because I had to explain my terrifying behavior with a ‘valid’ excuse. Once I left high school and the stigma that I was less because my brain didn’t function properly without medication behind, I guess I decided I was tired of people defining me by my brain. I know that sounds odd, but think about it. (Pun not intended)

Let me put this into perspective for you. Think of two random women. We’ll call one Mac and one Sariah. I don’t have any close female friends with those names, so it works for me ;)

Mac is super cool, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and always fashionable. Mac graduated high school AND college with a 4.0 GPA. Ok, well maybe it was a 3.8 or something, but she’s like..smart, you know? Picture Mac as someone who succeeds at what she does, and while all the other women are jealous, she’s pretty rockin’. Yeah Mac has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine. She handled life (it seems) pretty well so far, so there’s hardly anything she can fail at. It’s true that every month, Mac gets a little cray cray. But, all women do. And…yeah Mac has meltdowns in her office sometimes…but hey, she’s under a lot of stress. I mean, being that successful that quickly…anyone would melt under that kind of pressure. Mac is awesome. So awesome.

Alright, now let’s take a look at Sariah. Sariah is super nice, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and sometimes fashionable (on her good days). Sariah graduated high school AND college, which is super good for her!! Ok, well maybe I should explain. Sariah takes meds, which is fine, but she was crazy before she started taking pills everyday. Picture Sariah as someone who succeeds at what she does, but all the other women are watching her closely because of her life before medication. Yeah, she’s pretty ‘rocking’, but sometimes in all the wrong ways. Sariah has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine…now. She didn’t handle pubescent life very well. But after the hospital visits (whether the long or the short ones) she’s better. There’s hardly anything she can fail at, according to how she looks on paper. Every month, Sariah gets a little cray cray. Even more so than all women do. And…Sariah has meltdowns in her office sometimes…she blames it on her job like she’s under a lot of ‘stress’. I’m not one to judge, but if she couldn’t handle becoming that successful that quickly, she shouldn’t have gone for those degrees. Sariah melts under any kind of pressure. She’s so…fragile.

So those two examples are obviously about fictional people and fictional situations. But those situations are pretty common these days. I don’t exactly know why, but somehow people who take medicine for their brain are scarier than people who take medicine for their hearts, or any other vital part of the human body. I get that mental episodes are extremely challenging for those who are part of them in one way or another, but so is a heart attack. I’m pretty sure watching someone pass out because their blood sugar is too low is terrifying as well. But people with diabetes are just as accepted as someone with high cholesterol. Yeah, it sucks that these people have these life threatening issues, but we seem to be ok with them as people because at least they’re sane all the time around us. Yeah, our friend with heart issues might give out one day if they forget their medicine, but that’s ok, that doesn’t concern us. But our friend with depression, well that’s a different story. 

People, what is wrong with us?! Where did this stigma come from? I’ve obviously thought about it in depth, and the only answer I can come up with is that we naturally dislike things we don’t understand. I even catch myself doing this. For example, I’ll see a teen mom with a crying baby at the grocery store. She’ll be on her phone, looking tired and exhausted, trying to soothe the baby by absentmindedly handing the child a pacifier or treat. My immediate thought is “Man, she should’ve placed.” Why? Why do I automatically think that every teen mother should place her child for adoption? Is it just because I did? Is it because I knew I couldn’t be a single mom, so now suddenly I think no one younger than 20 should either? Is it because I’m jealous that I don’t know the feeling of a baby calling me ‘mommy’?  I’m to the point now where I’ll catch myself, and remind myself that I don’t know that woman’s life. I don’t know her story, and she’s made her decision that she felt was best for her and her baby. Then I move on to the next thought I have, which is usually “now which brand is cheaper, and is the WinCo butter better than Land of Lakes?”.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that mental illness shouldn’t be viewed as this scary thing. Just because someone has a mental illness of any kind doesn’t mean we need to have a straight jacket on hand. Medicine for brains has this negative attachment that is, quite frankly, unrealistic. I used to day dream about the day I wouldn’t have to take pills, as if it were some burden to take them every day. Now, I day dream about the day they won’t cost so much, and hope that I’ll always have insurance. Taking medicine every day is the same as taking vitamins sometimes. Bodies work better when they have certain vitamins and minerals in them. My brain works a ton better when I take a specific medicine each night. How does that make me any different than someone who has to take medicine to regulate their blood pressure? Why do we feel that medicine is a weakness? I am so grateful to be alive in a time where that medicine is available to me. 

With all of that being said, here I am still hesitant to write specifically which illness I have. I can tell you why, though. I feel like people who know what my illness is are waiting for signals that I’m loosing it. It’s been pretty awesome to live in a place where no one has any idea I have an illness. Why? Because they view me for me, not me when I’m stable or unstable. They like me and see me as a fun bubbly person with a short fuse sometimes. They see someone who misses her family, but is trucking along anyway. They see a real person, not a ticking time bomb. Don’t get me wrong, there a ton of people who know about my mental illness, but still love me as though they didn’t know about it. There are just a handful in my adult life that feel like they need to walk on egg shells around me. I’m sure they have good reason, but that means I always double check what I’m saying or doing around them so I don’t give them a reason to worry. So now we both walk on egg shells around each other. It’s so…fragile ;)

So, tying this post back together, let’s talk about Mac and Sariah again. I tried to emphasize that they actually do very similar things. The only difference is Sariah takes medicine, so she therefore is watched more closely. Mac is given excuses for her irrationality because she’s ‘normal’ and doesn’t take any medication that we know of. I know that mental illness is starting to become more accepted, but why has it taken us so long? It’s sad to me that I still only see a handful of posts about it on Facebook. I see more vague please-feel-bad for me, subtle stabs at family members/friends, or look at how cute my face is today posts than I ever see posts about mental illness and the struggle. 

I remember when I was younger, I was under the impression I would grow out of my mental illness. Well, that was false. I’m still annoyed with my head sometimes, but I’ve accepted that my brain just doesn’t work right by itself. It’d be silly for someone with diabetes to reject any sort of insulin treatment, just as silly as it would be for me to stop taking my brain meds. 

So, if you take anything from this post, please be more understanding towards those in your life with an illness. Any kind of illness, including mental ones. Don’t view them as crazies who need to be locked away and sedated. View them as people who need your love and support. They already get enough crap from their own brains, they don’t need it from you.

Thanks for reading!

-Allison S. Dahl

A Hard Week

Beaten, worn down

Smiling, fight that frown

Rugged, need a break

Give, all they can take

Sleeping, peace at last

Slipping, time going too fast

Awaken, start all over

Sobbing, in the back corner

Lying, everything will be fine

Denying, it just takes time

Confused, feeling alone

Lost, don’t know where to go

Bruises, from worn out knees

Praying, Lord, Help me…Please

Quiet, lying awake

Soul, it’s Yours to take

Peace, finally arrives

Whisper, I hear you, you’re mine

Comfort, not forgotten

Love, somehow untrodden

Dreaming, of good things to come

Holding, onto unconditional love

Warmth, throughout my heart

Awaken, I get a fresh start.

-Allison S. Dahl

Little Ray of Sunshine

Ok, so I suppose I should have said somewhere that I will still post things like poems or random posts that aren't part of my twice-a-month-series thing. Is that what it is called, by the way? Does anyone know? I know 'mini series' is more of a television thing, and chapters are part of a book...I can think of a bunch of other random terms, but none of them seem fitting. Let me know if you think you know how to define my mini series thing. Haha, anyway...

So yeah, I will still be writing here and there about other topics not written about in my..series. These posts just won't be as consistent as the "Run From That Past" ones are. I hope that makes sense ;)

Well, the inspiration for this post is kind of a long story, and is actually the opposite tone of what I'm going for. So, to save this post from losing it's positivity, I will spare you the back story.

As I've been going over what I've shared about living in Nevada, I've realized that I haven't told you guys the full truth. Yeah, I've been pretty clear that it's hard, but I don't think I've mentioned the good things. It's time to change that, my friends!

One thing Southern Nevada has is its beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I used to think Idaho had the best, which they have some pretty awesome ones, but now I have to put Idaho in second place. The mountains around us here are a bit closer than the ones in Idaho were. It's kind of like a bowl, so we're in a valley-type area. It isn't too great for the air quality, but man when the sun hits the mountains just right, I have to blink a few times to remind myself it's not a painting. The colors are so vivid in the sky, and the sun defines each cliff and ridge on the mountains, it's beautiful. When the sun comes up, the sky looks like it's on fire and the bright reds and oranges mix so perfectly with the dark blues and light purples. Man, I just can't get over how beautiful the desert can be.

When I started running every morning, I've realized I go early enough to run a little before the sun comes up. Then, by the time my run is over and I'm heading home, I get to stop and stretch while looking at the horizon fill up with magnificent colors.

I know it sounds cheesy, and honestly there aren't any fancy words that could paint a realistic picture in your minds, but sometimes we just need the little things. Sometimes when life seems lost and hopeless, it's the little rays of sunshine that keep us going. The small and simple daily things we may take for granted can take our breath away if we give them the chance.

While life can be hard down here, I sure am grateful for the sun and it's wonderful displays of rising and setting here. It makes me take a moment to stop, breathe, and admire the beauty of this world.

-Allison S. Dahl

Run From That Past: Introduction

Hello Readers (should I start capitalizing that?)! Thank you for returning this fine Sunday :)

As you'll notice, I've updated a few things on my blog. Being that my last name sounds like doll, I thought it was clever to put "Stories by A. Dahl" as my blog name. So, it's like by a doll...get it? ;) Also, that's my pen name I've decided. Simple and author-like, right?

Ok, now to the part you came for ;)

Well, I'll start with some back story. I have a friend named Tabitha. She is fantastic. Her sister Marci is a good friend, too. Well. Right before we moved to Nevada, Tabitha started an amazing life-altering journey. It's awesome to see how much she has changed just because she was fed up with what she was doing. Through her commitment and discipline to changing her life for the better, she has made a complete turn around! She's so inspiring to me :) She found her path through Beach Body*. Now, I don't like Beach Body for myself, but for her it has been awesome. I respect that. I also love how genuine she is. When we moved down here, I was telling her how money was tight. Tabitha offered the option of me being a coach, but I said no. My favorite part of this story is her response. She said, "I understand. I won't ask you again because I value our friendship more." See? She's awesome, right?! She respected that Beach Body wasn't for me, and it didn't make anything awkward between us.

Well, one thing Tabitha does is she posts a lot on Facebook. Unlike most everyone else though, Tabitha even posts her failures. She admits when she struggles. Guys, I LOVE that. It gives me more strength than she realizes. She admits she is human, but is always trying. I love, love, love that!

One morning, Tab posted about how she really didn't want to get out of bed to work out. She said that her bed felt so comfy and warm, and it seemed too cold to get up. She was fighting herself like we all do. Well, something in her made her decide to go ahead and get up to do her workout. She posted why, and it was a neat thing to see her thought process. She also mentioned in one of her posts how her body was craving a workout, and that statement planted a little seed in my brain.

Well, weeks later, work became stressful for me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my new job. But, an unexpected event opened up a promotion opportunity. At first, I was overly confident I would get it. Then, I wasn't sure if I would. At the end, I was convinced I wasn't going to. The night before I interviewed for it, that seed Tabitha planted sprouted to a flower in my head. I suddenly understood what she meant. I needed to run. Something in me needed to be outside, headphones in, and running my heart out. So, I did.

I decided running is what I love. Not to lose weight, not to be toned up, but because I legitimately love running. So, I ran for the first time in over a year. I had originally tried to use our clubhouse, but my key didn't work. Frustrated, I remembered a path near our apartment that was a potential running spot. Lucas lovingly drove me over and waiting while I ran. (He had to make sure no one tried to kidnap me ;) ). The path is actually awesome. The lights get brighter when you run by them. There's a little man-made-lake-puddle thing you run around. It also has hills you climb up and run down. I. Love. That. Path. I am also proud to say I never stopped to walk during any of my runs :) The path totals to about 3 miles if you ran around it twice (I think) which is what I have been doing. It was a proud moment to keep running.

After that first run, I came up with this mini-series idea. Running always clears my head of trivial matters and allows me to think of things that actually matter to me. So, I decided I wanted to run every morning. I will run at that path Monday-Friday (and sometimes Saturday). And then every 1st and 3rd Sunday I will post one of these mini series post things. So far I'm doing good! I ran Tuesday night, then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning this week :) I also did a light jog Saturday just because :) It feels like a good start!

I also know how I work with running. I'll get into a habit, and then something will happen, and I will too easily fall out of that habit. So that's another reason I wanted to start this series. I will have to keep running every morning so I have something to tell you about twice a month!! It's genius, right?

Anyway, this morning was tricky because I was tired. My alarm went off, and like Tabitha that one day, I was SO COMFY in my bed. I just wanted to snuggle with Lucas for another hour. But, that post of Tab's ran through my head at least 5 times. She was right, I craved that run. I could make it out of bed, I could face the cold. I could get up and run. So I did. :) By the way, we're ninnies when it comes to "cold" now. That morning it was just 38 degrees outside. In Idaho, that's when Spring is starting... ;)

So my series will be called "Run From That Past". I will cover a variety of topics, ranging from self esteem to road rage. I'll include stories of mental illness, adoption, loneliness, and heartbreaks. I'll share experiences of joy, happiness, and love. I'm really stoked to share this with you, my readers, because you were the reason I got up to run this morning. You were the motivation I needed to keep going.

I have the next 5 months topics planned out, so that'll keep me running until then ;) at that point, I'd love to open up my blog to requests! Let me know what you, person from Germany I haven't met, would like me to write about. I'll have at least 10 runs to think about your request, so hopefully my posts will make you happy :) Like I said though, the next 5 months/10 posts are accounted for! I just need those extra ideas to keep me going after that. If I don't see any requests, I'm sure I'll think of something to keep me going.

So, here's to a start of a journey I hope to never end. To run for more than just the joy of running. To run for a purpose. That purpose is to tell you how I deal with life, and if by some miracle it helps you deal with yours, then I have achieved at least one life goal ;)

Thank you, again, to all of you who stumble across my blog. If you read more than two words, I appreciate you choosing my writing to take some of your time. If you only click and then exit out of my blog, well hey, at least you made a click ;) Lastly, thank you to everyone who reads all of my posts. I know I get rambly (that's not a word. But it means sometimes I ramble in writing form) at times, but thank you for always reading. Thank you, and I hope this mini series will make your reads worth it :)

-Allison S. Dahl

*While I think it's great for some people to do Beach Body, It Works, Weight Watchers, and any other weight loss type program, these things are not for me. I do like some of the shakes BB offers, but I am not one for any of these programs. Like I said, it's awesome for some people, but I am not one of those. Thank you for understanding like Tabitha did ;)