Run From That Past: Continual Burden

With all of the random topics I’ve come up with, it’s been hard to choose which one I would start with. I decided this one would be best because it seems overdue.

Well, we all know how I am with being vulnerable. I mean, I’ve posted about my adoption, which was extremely personal. I shared about our miscarriage, which was something we didn’t even tell most of our family about right away. (Don’t worry, they knew before I posted that blog.) I’ve shared my opinions on sensitive/controversial topics. You get my point; I can be vulnerable online. And for whatever reason, it doesn’t bother me.

One particular topic I haven’t been super open about is my mental illness. I don’t know why, I used to be open about it in grade school. Maybe I was then because I had to explain my terrifying behavior with a ‘valid’ excuse. Once I left high school and the stigma that I was less because my brain didn’t function properly without medication behind, I guess I decided I was tired of people defining me by my brain. I know that sounds odd, but think about it. (Pun not intended)

Let me put this into perspective for you. Think of two random women. We’ll call one Mac and one Sariah. I don’t have any close female friends with those names, so it works for me ;)

Mac is super cool, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and always fashionable. Mac graduated high school AND college with a 4.0 GPA. Ok, well maybe it was a 3.8 or something, but she’s like..smart, you know? Picture Mac as someone who succeeds at what she does, and while all the other women are jealous, she’s pretty rockin’. Yeah Mac has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine. She handled life (it seems) pretty well so far, so there’s hardly anything she can fail at. It’s true that every month, Mac gets a little cray cray. But, all women do. And…yeah Mac has meltdowns in her office sometimes…but hey, she’s under a lot of stress. I mean, being that successful that quickly…anyone would melt under that kind of pressure. Mac is awesome. So awesome.

Alright, now let’s take a look at Sariah. Sariah is super nice, guys. She’s hardworking, determined, honest, and sometimes fashionable (on her good days). Sariah graduated high school AND college, which is super good for her!! Ok, well maybe I should explain. Sariah takes meds, which is fine, but she was crazy before she started taking pills everyday. Picture Sariah as someone who succeeds at what she does, but all the other women are watching her closely because of her life before medication. Yeah, she’s pretty ‘rocking’, but sometimes in all the wrong ways. Sariah has her insecurities sometimes, but she’s fine…now. She didn’t handle pubescent life very well. But after the hospital visits (whether the long or the short ones) she’s better. There’s hardly anything she can fail at, according to how she looks on paper. Every month, Sariah gets a little cray cray. Even more so than all women do. And…Sariah has meltdowns in her office sometimes…she blames it on her job like she’s under a lot of ‘stress’. I’m not one to judge, but if she couldn’t handle becoming that successful that quickly, she shouldn’t have gone for those degrees. Sariah melts under any kind of pressure. She’s so…fragile.

So those two examples are obviously about fictional people and fictional situations. But those situations are pretty common these days. I don’t exactly know why, but somehow people who take medicine for their brain are scarier than people who take medicine for their hearts, or any other vital part of the human body. I get that mental episodes are extremely challenging for those who are part of them in one way or another, but so is a heart attack. I’m pretty sure watching someone pass out because their blood sugar is too low is terrifying as well. But people with diabetes are just as accepted as someone with high cholesterol. Yeah, it sucks that these people have these life threatening issues, but we seem to be ok with them as people because at least they’re sane all the time around us. Yeah, our friend with heart issues might give out one day if they forget their medicine, but that’s ok, that doesn’t concern us. But our friend with depression, well that’s a different story. 

People, what is wrong with us?! Where did this stigma come from? I’ve obviously thought about it in depth, and the only answer I can come up with is that we naturally dislike things we don’t understand. I even catch myself doing this. For example, I’ll see a teen mom with a crying baby at the grocery store. She’ll be on her phone, looking tired and exhausted, trying to soothe the baby by absentmindedly handing the child a pacifier or treat. My immediate thought is “Man, she should’ve placed.” Why? Why do I automatically think that every teen mother should place her child for adoption? Is it just because I did? Is it because I knew I couldn’t be a single mom, so now suddenly I think no one younger than 20 should either? Is it because I’m jealous that I don’t know the feeling of a baby calling me ‘mommy’?  I’m to the point now where I’ll catch myself, and remind myself that I don’t know that woman’s life. I don’t know her story, and she’s made her decision that she felt was best for her and her baby. Then I move on to the next thought I have, which is usually “now which brand is cheaper, and is the WinCo butter better than Land of Lakes?”.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that mental illness shouldn’t be viewed as this scary thing. Just because someone has a mental illness of any kind doesn’t mean we need to have a straight jacket on hand. Medicine for brains has this negative attachment that is, quite frankly, unrealistic. I used to day dream about the day I wouldn’t have to take pills, as if it were some burden to take them every day. Now, I day dream about the day they won’t cost so much, and hope that I’ll always have insurance. Taking medicine every day is the same as taking vitamins sometimes. Bodies work better when they have certain vitamins and minerals in them. My brain works a ton better when I take a specific medicine each night. How does that make me any different than someone who has to take medicine to regulate their blood pressure? Why do we feel that medicine is a weakness? I am so grateful to be alive in a time where that medicine is available to me. 

With all of that being said, here I am still hesitant to write specifically which illness I have. I can tell you why, though. I feel like people who know what my illness is are waiting for signals that I’m loosing it. It’s been pretty awesome to live in a place where no one has any idea I have an illness. Why? Because they view me for me, not me when I’m stable or unstable. They like me and see me as a fun bubbly person with a short fuse sometimes. They see someone who misses her family, but is trucking along anyway. They see a real person, not a ticking time bomb. Don’t get me wrong, there a ton of people who know about my mental illness, but still love me as though they didn’t know about it. There are just a handful in my adult life that feel like they need to walk on egg shells around me. I’m sure they have good reason, but that means I always double check what I’m saying or doing around them so I don’t give them a reason to worry. So now we both walk on egg shells around each other. It’s so…fragile ;)

So, tying this post back together, let’s talk about Mac and Sariah again. I tried to emphasize that they actually do very similar things. The only difference is Sariah takes medicine, so she therefore is watched more closely. Mac is given excuses for her irrationality because she’s ‘normal’ and doesn’t take any medication that we know of. I know that mental illness is starting to become more accepted, but why has it taken us so long? It’s sad to me that I still only see a handful of posts about it on Facebook. I see more vague please-feel-bad for me, subtle stabs at family members/friends, or look at how cute my face is today posts than I ever see posts about mental illness and the struggle. 

I remember when I was younger, I was under the impression I would grow out of my mental illness. Well, that was false. I’m still annoyed with my head sometimes, but I’ve accepted that my brain just doesn’t work right by itself. It’d be silly for someone with diabetes to reject any sort of insulin treatment, just as silly as it would be for me to stop taking my brain meds. 

So, if you take anything from this post, please be more understanding towards those in your life with an illness. Any kind of illness, including mental ones. Don’t view them as crazies who need to be locked away and sedated. View them as people who need your love and support. They already get enough crap from their own brains, they don’t need it from you.

Thanks for reading!

-Allison S. Dahl

A Hard Week

Beaten, worn down

Smiling, fight that frown

Rugged, need a break

Give, all they can take

Sleeping, peace at last

Slipping, time going too fast

Awaken, start all over

Sobbing, in the back corner

Lying, everything will be fine

Denying, it just takes time

Confused, feeling alone

Lost, don’t know where to go

Bruises, from worn out knees

Praying, Lord, Help me…Please

Quiet, lying awake

Soul, it’s Yours to take

Peace, finally arrives

Whisper, I hear you, you’re mine

Comfort, not forgotten

Love, somehow untrodden

Dreaming, of good things to come

Holding, onto unconditional love

Warmth, throughout my heart

Awaken, I get a fresh start.

-Allison S. Dahl

Little Ray of Sunshine

Ok, so I suppose I should have said somewhere that I will still post things like poems or random posts that aren't part of my twice-a-month-series thing. Is that what it is called, by the way? Does anyone know? I know 'mini series' is more of a television thing, and chapters are part of a book...I can think of a bunch of other random terms, but none of them seem fitting. Let me know if you think you know how to define my mini series thing. Haha, anyway...

So yeah, I will still be writing here and there about other topics not written about in my..series. These posts just won't be as consistent as the "Run From That Past" ones are. I hope that makes sense ;)

Well, the inspiration for this post is kind of a long story, and is actually the opposite tone of what I'm going for. So, to save this post from losing it's positivity, I will spare you the back story.

As I've been going over what I've shared about living in Nevada, I've realized that I haven't told you guys the full truth. Yeah, I've been pretty clear that it's hard, but I don't think I've mentioned the good things. It's time to change that, my friends!

One thing Southern Nevada has is its beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I used to think Idaho had the best, which they have some pretty awesome ones, but now I have to put Idaho in second place. The mountains around us here are a bit closer than the ones in Idaho were. It's kind of like a bowl, so we're in a valley-type area. It isn't too great for the air quality, but man when the sun hits the mountains just right, I have to blink a few times to remind myself it's not a painting. The colors are so vivid in the sky, and the sun defines each cliff and ridge on the mountains, it's beautiful. When the sun comes up, the sky looks like it's on fire and the bright reds and oranges mix so perfectly with the dark blues and light purples. Man, I just can't get over how beautiful the desert can be.

When I started running every morning, I've realized I go early enough to run a little before the sun comes up. Then, by the time my run is over and I'm heading home, I get to stop and stretch while looking at the horizon fill up with magnificent colors.

I know it sounds cheesy, and honestly there aren't any fancy words that could paint a realistic picture in your minds, but sometimes we just need the little things. Sometimes when life seems lost and hopeless, it's the little rays of sunshine that keep us going. The small and simple daily things we may take for granted can take our breath away if we give them the chance.

While life can be hard down here, I sure am grateful for the sun and it's wonderful displays of rising and setting here. It makes me take a moment to stop, breathe, and admire the beauty of this world.

-Allison S. Dahl

Run From That Past: Introduction

Hello Readers (should I start capitalizing that?)! Thank you for returning this fine Sunday :)

As you'll notice, I've updated a few things on my blog. Being that my last name sounds like doll, I thought it was clever to put "Stories by A. Dahl" as my blog name. So, it's like by a doll...get it? ;) Also, that's my pen name I've decided. Simple and author-like, right?

Ok, now to the part you came for ;)

Well, I'll start with some back story. I have a friend named Tabitha. She is fantastic. Her sister Marci is a good friend, too. Well. Right before we moved to Nevada, Tabitha started an amazing life-altering journey. It's awesome to see how much she has changed just because she was fed up with what she was doing. Through her commitment and discipline to changing her life for the better, she has made a complete turn around! She's so inspiring to me :) She found her path through Beach Body*. Now, I don't like Beach Body for myself, but for her it has been awesome. I respect that. I also love how genuine she is. When we moved down here, I was telling her how money was tight. Tabitha offered the option of me being a coach, but I said no. My favorite part of this story is her response. She said, "I understand. I won't ask you again because I value our friendship more." See? She's awesome, right?! She respected that Beach Body wasn't for me, and it didn't make anything awkward between us.

Well, one thing Tabitha does is she posts a lot on Facebook. Unlike most everyone else though, Tabitha even posts her failures. She admits when she struggles. Guys, I LOVE that. It gives me more strength than she realizes. She admits she is human, but is always trying. I love, love, love that!

One morning, Tab posted about how she really didn't want to get out of bed to work out. She said that her bed felt so comfy and warm, and it seemed too cold to get up. She was fighting herself like we all do. Well, something in her made her decide to go ahead and get up to do her workout. She posted why, and it was a neat thing to see her thought process. She also mentioned in one of her posts how her body was craving a workout, and that statement planted a little seed in my brain.

Well, weeks later, work became stressful for me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my new job. But, an unexpected event opened up a promotion opportunity. At first, I was overly confident I would get it. Then, I wasn't sure if I would. At the end, I was convinced I wasn't going to. The night before I interviewed for it, that seed Tabitha planted sprouted to a flower in my head. I suddenly understood what she meant. I needed to run. Something in me needed to be outside, headphones in, and running my heart out. So, I did.

I decided running is what I love. Not to lose weight, not to be toned up, but because I legitimately love running. So, I ran for the first time in over a year. I had originally tried to use our clubhouse, but my key didn't work. Frustrated, I remembered a path near our apartment that was a potential running spot. Lucas lovingly drove me over and waiting while I ran. (He had to make sure no one tried to kidnap me ;) ). The path is actually awesome. The lights get brighter when you run by them. There's a little man-made-lake-puddle thing you run around. It also has hills you climb up and run down. I. Love. That. Path. I am also proud to say I never stopped to walk during any of my runs :) The path totals to about 3 miles if you ran around it twice (I think) which is what I have been doing. It was a proud moment to keep running.

After that first run, I came up with this mini-series idea. Running always clears my head of trivial matters and allows me to think of things that actually matter to me. So, I decided I wanted to run every morning. I will run at that path Monday-Friday (and sometimes Saturday). And then every 1st and 3rd Sunday I will post one of these mini series post things. So far I'm doing good! I ran Tuesday night, then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday morning this week :) I also did a light jog Saturday just because :) It feels like a good start!

I also know how I work with running. I'll get into a habit, and then something will happen, and I will too easily fall out of that habit. So that's another reason I wanted to start this series. I will have to keep running every morning so I have something to tell you about twice a month!! It's genius, right?

Anyway, this morning was tricky because I was tired. My alarm went off, and like Tabitha that one day, I was SO COMFY in my bed. I just wanted to snuggle with Lucas for another hour. But, that post of Tab's ran through my head at least 5 times. She was right, I craved that run. I could make it out of bed, I could face the cold. I could get up and run. So I did. :) By the way, we're ninnies when it comes to "cold" now. That morning it was just 38 degrees outside. In Idaho, that's when Spring is starting... ;)

So my series will be called "Run From That Past". I will cover a variety of topics, ranging from self esteem to road rage. I'll include stories of mental illness, adoption, loneliness, and heartbreaks. I'll share experiences of joy, happiness, and love. I'm really stoked to share this with you, my readers, because you were the reason I got up to run this morning. You were the motivation I needed to keep going.

I have the next 5 months topics planned out, so that'll keep me running until then ;) at that point, I'd love to open up my blog to requests! Let me know what you, person from Germany I haven't met, would like me to write about. I'll have at least 10 runs to think about your request, so hopefully my posts will make you happy :) Like I said though, the next 5 months/10 posts are accounted for! I just need those extra ideas to keep me going after that. If I don't see any requests, I'm sure I'll think of something to keep me going.

So, here's to a start of a journey I hope to never end. To run for more than just the joy of running. To run for a purpose. That purpose is to tell you how I deal with life, and if by some miracle it helps you deal with yours, then I have achieved at least one life goal ;)

Thank you, again, to all of you who stumble across my blog. If you read more than two words, I appreciate you choosing my writing to take some of your time. If you only click and then exit out of my blog, well hey, at least you made a click ;) Lastly, thank you to everyone who reads all of my posts. I know I get rambly (that's not a word. But it means sometimes I ramble in writing form) at times, but thank you for always reading. Thank you, and I hope this mini series will make your reads worth it :)

-Allison S. Dahl

*While I think it's great for some people to do Beach Body, It Works, Weight Watchers, and any other weight loss type program, these things are not for me. I do like some of the shakes BB offers, but I am not one for any of these programs. Like I said, it's awesome for some people, but I am not one of those. Thank you for understanding like Tabitha did ;)

New Blog Mini Series!!

I have some exciting news, readers! I'm going to be more consistent in posting! Haha, well, and some other things, too. ;)


So, I have decided to start a Blog Mini Series. (Is that what they're called? I don't know, it sounded good to me). It's going to be an every-other-week post that falls under the same main title. I'm really excited about it :)

Basically twice a month, I will be posting thoughts/feelings I think about while I run. I love running, and have just recently picked it back up. Therefore, I will be sharing posts on sensitive topics. Or even funny ones, you'll just have to see!

Well, keep your eyes open because the introduction to this series is coming! I'm thinking it'll be the 1st and 3rd Sunday of every month. Definitely check back this coming Sunday (12-6-2015) for an in depth introduction on my upcoming mini series/posts!

Thank you for all of my followers and readers, you guys rock. I love each and every view count I see every day. You guys are awesome! I really hope this new change in my blog will make you happy :)

-Allison S. Dahl

Fight the Bitter, Find the Better

(I just have to say--I'm pretty impressed with my title this time. I couldn't have come up with a better name for this post!)

Hello again, readers! This post has been "brewing" in my mind for a while now, so I hope it will do my thoughts justice ;)

So, as I've mentioned several times, moving to Nevada with Lucas has been quite the journey. We've only been here for 4 months now (can you believe that?! Time flies!!) and I can't even begin to explain the roller coaster we've endured. But, as life always does, this roller coaster doesn't stop, and we're learning to stomach each loop it throws us through.

When we first moved down here, things were looking great. Lucas got accepted to the highly accredited program/school he wanted to go to, we got his schedule all figured out for the Fall 2015 semester, our apartment was even better than we imagined when we first looked at it, and somehow we made it all in one piece! (For how the people drive here, that's saying a lot..). So, things were looking promising. We had made that giant leap of faith, and it was appearing that everything had "fallen into place". Well. Then came our jobs. As many of you know, where you work has a pretty big impact on your overall well being. Employment not only gives you an income, but it can give you a sense of accomplishment and fulfill the desire to contribute to society. All good things, right? The restaurant in Idaho did just those things for us. We even made some pretty great friends along the way. When we transferred down to Nevada, our first day at our new location proved that this particular restaurant was not where we were supposed to be. Of course we were discouraged. I mean, everything was going SO well, and then the only thing to keep that happy-go-lucky wagon rolling was our job...which was awful. I hate to complain, because it definitely kept us afloat for the few months before we made a transition. All that aside though, within the first few weeks of working at this new location, Lucas and I knew we needed to find something else--and it needed to be quick.

Not even a month later, disaster hit Lucas and I again. (Now, I have to say, I've had a really hard time deciding if I wanted to share this or not. I've gone back and forth and decided that sharing this detail is important in understanding where I'm coming from in this post. I really hope this doesn't come across as a sob story, or a "please pity me" post, because that is a far cry from what I want it to be.) Before we moved to Nevada, Lucas and I thought maybe adding another member to our dynamic duo would be a good idea. A week after we settled in, we found out I was expecting. Being that we were slightly freaking out about the job situation, we were pretty nervous about a new-baby-on-the-way situation. Nonetheless, we were excited and even spent one evening perusing the bible dictionary for boy names (I was pretty convinced it was going to be a boy, Lucas was betting a girl). Anyway, the onslaught of early pregnancy symptoms hit with a vengeance (apparently the first time around wasn't justice for "morning sickness"). The usual things; constant headache, nausea, sleeplessness, and the undying battle of keeping it a secret. We decided to keep it to ourselves (and our parents) until the 8/10 week appointment when we would be given the all-clear to start telling people.

Well, just three days shy of this "all-clear" stage, something happened that I can't quite put words to. Miscarriage seems too general, but Ripping-My-Heart-Out-Pain sounds too dramatic. Somewhere in between those descriptions, Lucas and I lost the little form of life that was all too promising of being a child. I know it's common for a lot of women, and I had heard of many cases, but I can tell you my friends that there is literally no explanation to how a miscarriage feels. Unless you yourself have experienced one, there is no possible way to convey that pain.

At first, I was sad. Really sad. I remember holding my stomach begging it to stop getting rid of the small life. I then tried to reassure myself that there must have been something wrong, so it would be better this way in the long run. Mother Nature knows best, right? After days of trying to shove down the pain, put on a fake smile, and serve pasta to yet another non-tipping guest, something in me snapped. Maybe it was the other all-too-promising job lead that fell through, or the fact we weren't able to get time off/go home to see family that set me off, but whatever it was, I couldn't take it anymore. I was angry. I was SO mad. How could my body be so generous enough to create a healthy baby for a loving couple, but then when I had endured the pain of placement and bettering myself for Lucas, it couldn't fathom giving me a child of my own? I won't lie, I was pretty upset. I am a little ashamed at myself for feeling that way, but it took a little bit to get over that. By the end of my anger week (or two) I guess I hit the last stage of grief. Emptiness? Loneliness? Defeated? I realized that I was grateful my body did what I didn't know needed to be done. Something must have happened during the process that wasn't going to be healthy for the possible baby. No, God wasn't punishing us, and no, we didn't do anything wrong. For whatever strange, unknown, frustrating reason, that little life just wasn't going to be.

It was around this time that I decided to apply at whatever job I could find (mostly at credit unions). I had accepted the miscarriage, but I knew I needed to get out of that awful job we hated. By some odd miracle, I got a call a few days later from a credit union I had applied to online. I didn't have any connections, I didn't even have any banking experience, but they called me. I went in for the interview, and a few days later (as Lucas and I were pulling in to our other job) they called back and offered me the position. We were so happy!! There was a silver lining! There was happiness in our future! We put in our two weeks that night, then I started about a week later. I've had quite a handful of jobs since I entered the work force at 16, and this has been (by far) my favorite job. Just three weeks after that, Lucas put himself out there as well and got an on-campus job that fits nice and cozy with my work schedule. God didn't forget about us, He just needed us to hold out a tiny bit longer. And just like that, things started working out again.

There was one point, I think it was around the time I wrote the Somewhere in Between blog, where I wanted to move back home. I wanted to just pay the early-lease-termination fees and leave. I was done. Lucas was done. But something in us told us to stay. Even though things looked unbearable, we needed to stay just a little longer. So we did. Then I got my favorite job, and Lucas got a good one too.

I've heard before that in life, God never gives us trials we can't handle. While that's a comforting statement, I have to beg to differ. God gives us so many trials that we can't humanly handle on our own. It is through our Savior Jesus Christ and His Atonement that we are able to handle and overcome trials. The hard things in life weaken us to the point of giving up, and through Christ's redeeming power, we can move forward. We can become strong again through Him, through Christ. I know that beyond any shadow of a doubt.

I love the Gospel, and the marvelous things it teaches. I love attending the temple and feeling the love of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I'm so grateful for my dreamy husband Lucas and the wonderful man he is. I love him so very much, and I'm so inexplicably grateful he's mine for eternity. I know that I could not have done any of the hard things in my life without my Savior and His everlasting Atonement.

Even though we lost the hope of a little one, I know Lucas and I will have a family someday. Whether that be soon or five years from now, I don't know. I do know it will happen, though, and it will be the best thing ever. :)

Thank you for reading!

-Allison S. Dahl

For My Bear

If love could be defined by a song or a rhyme,

We'd probably hear about it all the time.

Oh, wait, I guess we do...

That's why I'm always singing it to you.

But, unfortunately, "love" isn't a strong enough word

To describe what I feel for you,

How absurd!

I've searched and I've tried

To find something that would suffice,

Sometimes it even kept me up at night.

There has to be some way

To explain how I love you more and more and More each day

Some sentiment that says,

"You mean the world to me", and 

Nothing less

How could I say, "you're the most caring person I know" 

And have it mean so much more than any one phrase can show?

I wish there was a term

To explain how you make me burn...

With love for you, of course!

I didn't mean to that to sound any worse ;)

Oh what a pity that nothing in the English Language describes 

How much better you've made my life.

While I won't stop searching, true,

I guess "I love you, Lucas" will do.

-Allison S. Dahl

What Happened With That?

This post is a sequel (if you will) to my adoption post. I would suggest reading that one before continuing to read this post, just so it makes more sense :)

When Lucas and I first moved to Nevada, I decided I wasn't going to tell anyone about the adoption. First of all, I didn't know anyone well enough to discuss that with them, but also, I didn't want to hear their opinions about it. Moving here was like a clean slate, and I didn't need to share my life with complete strangers anymore (I know my blog speaks the complete opposite of that...since I don't think I know 12,000 people...but you get my point). I just decided to skip that part when telling people about my life after high school. After a while, I felt pretty weird leaving that major detail out.

Facebook has a lovely way of reminding us of events in the past by using its "memories" feature. It's kind of fun to see random posts I've made over the years. Well, this past month marks two years since I first shared my story as a birth mother online. Seeing that memory made me feel even more weird that I didn't tell anyone I placed a baby for adoption. Reading all the comments and shares from that post were very encouraging, and thus inspired me to break my silence. Once again.

Time has a funny way of altering our perspectives on things. After I posted my story two years ago, I wasn't hesitant anymore to tell anyone I had had a baby. I was actually eager to talk about it because I hoped it would help someone along the way. I was happy when people asked me why I decided to place Adelé, and even happier to have a story written out to refer to. Well, as time went on and did its fancy altering, I stopped talking about it as much. It was like my fifteen minutes of fame had died down, and talking about it sounded more like a re-run to me. I wasn't really hiding it yet, and every now and then I would still share things about it, but it didn't really come up anymore. Sure enough, after more time had passed, my perspective on my story changed. I still look at it as a very hard thing I went through, but that isn't the main point anymore. When I shared it the first time, it was more of a way to cope with the pain of placing her. Sharing my story was my way of being completely vulnerable in hopes it would help heal me. I won't lie, it definitely helped to see the tremendous amount of support I received from people I didn't even know. Looking back on those comments has given me strength even now, which I'm grateful for. Now, though, I look at my story as a birth mother from quite a different light. While in the process of my perspective evolving, I found myself biting my tongue each time I went to mention the adoption here in Nevada.

After all the initial pain of giving your child to someone else has decreased, you start to look for the reward of "doing the right thing". At least that's how I was. I was hoping that some miraculous life-changing experience would happen and it would all make sense as to why I had to go through everything. Well, I'm here to tell you, there wasn't an event like that. Yes, I was able to marry an incredibly wonderful man, and yes I was able to attend school and work my way to a decent job, but who's to say I wouldn't have been able to do those things had I kept Adelé? The answer is no one. There isn't a guarantee that my life would be awful if I had made the other choice. There's a chance everything would've worked out about the same, I'd just have Adelé as my daughter. That's just it though, there's a chance. Just a chance that everything would have worked out so that Adelé could have a decent father figure. Just a chance that she could grow up in a stable home, and just a chance that I would be able to provide for her before I met someone who would be willing to join our family. My friends, this realization was my life-changing event. It took some time for this thought to evolve, but it's clear now.

I remember holding Adelé for the first time and being so dumbfounded at how perfect she was. There really aren't any words to describe that feeling. The chance that everything would work out for her best interest was not one I was willing to take. She deserved far more than the chance things would be to her best interest. I knew, for a fact, that she would have a loving mother and father with Holly and Oley. I knew that they would provide her with every need (and some) she had. I knew that she'd have a place to call her home, and have a happy one at that. I knew that Adelé would never question if she was loved or not. With the adoption being open, she'll always have a way to find answers to the questions she may have once she gets older. I see her every now and then, and she is so happy. She has her father wrapped around her finger, and loves every minute of it. She looks up to her mother and calls her Mommy, and doesn't question that. I see how much Holly and Oley love her, too. If you saw them as a family and had no idea she was adopted, you wouldn't know because they love her like she was their own. They just fit together. Yeah, they have their challenges I'm sure (because no family is perfect), but they're happy, and happy together. That was something that I couldn't take from Adelé. I couldn't sacrifice every sure joy in her life for the chance I could give her the same.

Well, I am so grateful now that I had the courage to make that heart-throbbing decision. It was only divine intervention that made me willing to do it in the first place, and it was through the help of my Savior that I was able to go through with it. I get to see how happy Adelé is, and how her life is off to a beautiful start. She's growing much too fast, but I'm happy to see Holly and Oley enjoying it so much.

Even after two and half years, it's still hard for me at times. That pain is minimal, though, when I see how truly happy Holly, Oley, and Adelé are. It's worth every struggle to know I made the best decision I could for that sweet little girl. I'm sure as time goes on, I'll come to realize more reasons as to why this decision was so crucial. For now, I'm satisfied with saying that placing Adelé not only shaped me into a stronger person, but it also gave her the life she deserves. It's true that it was incredibly hard to know I couldn't be the one to provide that, but I'm happy I could find a couple who could. So, if you have ever thought to yourself, "I wonder what ever happened with that girl's adoption, and if things worked out..", now you know. It did work out, it really did.

-Allison S. Dahl

Somewhere In Between

I don't know what it is lately, but coming up with a blog introduction has been unusually challenging. When all else fails, I figure an honest statement will do. ;)

The last time I posted, Lucas and I were in a boat that seemed to be sinking. Looking back, a few months doesn't seem like a long time to struggle. During the time however, it seemed like it would never end. I think our short two and a half months down here has really taught us some valuable lessons. I'm really excited...and slightly hesitant...to see what the next several years will teach us.

I just have to say Lucas is a wonderful man. I know it sounds corny to gush about him, and I'm sure at least fifty percent of my audience will roll their eyes at this, but I'm going to anyway. I love Lucas more and more each day. I remember hearing a man say that about his wife when I was younger, and I always thought it sounded impossible. How could you love someone more than you did just the day before? While I can't possibly convey the exact amount of love I have for Lucas, I do know it is ever growing. Perhaps that's what the man meant, because it makes perfect sense to me now. Every day I spend with Lucas, I find more things to love about him. More often than not, I find myself falling in love with him all over again. One night a couple of weeks ago, I was having a pretty hard time. Lucas caught on to that, and somehow knew just what I needed. He turned on the song we danced to on our first date (Yellow by Coldplay) and we slowed danced in our kitchen. We've made the dancing a small habit now, but that night it meant so much. Lucas calmed my fears and in the brief time the song was playing, I felt so much appreciation for him. As we danced, I pictured that first night in my head, and all of the other nights in between, and I couldn't help but be in my own state of bliss. I know I'll never understand how or what I did to deserve such a wonderful man, but I am so grateful he's mine for eternity. What a blessing it is to know that no matter what happens in this life, I'll get to have him in the next. 

As far as what happens in this life, oh man, there's a ton. Moving down here with just the two of us is one of the best things we have been privileged enough to do. It has also been the hardest thing we've done together. I feel like when you plan everything out, and things seem to be going accordingly, that's when a curve ball gets thrown. It's almost life's way of saying "good one". Beyond just our job transfers not working out, there were some other disheartening occurrences that really hit us hard. Disappointment took many forms, and we were both ready to 'throw in the towel' and call it quits. When we were at our lowest, we turned to our Savior in hopes that a miracle would happen. Lucas and I have attended the temple several times since we've been down here and it's amazing to me the comfort we've found there. Each time we have gone, the feeling of 'everything will work out' has given us the strength to stay. My testimony in the Gospel has grown so much in such a short time. I know Heavenly Father has been mindful of us, and I've felt the love of our Savior so strongly. So, we stuck it out. We didn't throw in the towel. I already have found new employment, and Lucas is doing the same. It'd be a stretch to say "everything has worked out" because we're still in the process, but things are looking better. 

Our boat is surfacing and the waters are looking less fierce. I'm so grateful to be on this journey with Lucas. I've loved watching our marriage grow stronger and seeing how close we've come to Heavenly Father. Somewhere in between is a lovely place to be, and we're getting closer each step of the way.

-Allison S. Dahl

Update!

We received a check in the mail this week! With excitement, Lucas and I opened it to find the amount was filled in as "Reality".  Gotta love those. ;)

All joking aside, moving to a new place has been challenging. I suppose I should give ourselves some credit, though. It has only been a little over a week, so it's probably acceptable to get lost every time we get in our car. Thank goodness for modern technology and maps! I think we'd still be trying to find our apartment if it weren't for our smartphones.

Beyond losing our sense of direction, Lucas and I have found that there are many unexpected turns our lives keep taking. I won't lie my friends, it's been hard to stay positive. We had hoped that our transition would be smoother. Moving isn't ever really smooth though, is it? If there's one thing we can take from this past week, it's that we don't want to move again for a very long time! Even though it's hard to admit, we're both pretty homesick.

Our first night at work was when this whole moving thing turned from exciting to difficult. I don't think either of us realized just how great things were for us in Idaho. Transferring jobs always comes with its own set of adjustments (i.e. new management, new coworkers, new location, different standards/procedures) but man, this transfer was discouraging. Not only is it far from our apartment, but it's also not a reliable source of income for us. We've both decided that we either need to transfer to a closer location, or find a new job altogether.

It's easy for me to whine to Lucas about all of the things going wrong (poor guy), but he's helped me realize it'll be ok. Somehow, in some way, things will work out just like they always have. Lucas and I have definitely hit our own set of lows this week, but it has brought us closer together. We have a friend we worked with back home and she said that this would be the best thing for our marriage. Not that our marriage was faltering by any means, but I can understand a little bit better what she meant now. We've had to rely on each other and Heavenly Father more than we ever have before. And like I said, it's just been over a week. I'm excited and nervous for what further lessons living here will teach us.

Even though this move has been hard, we've been looking for ways to lift our spirits! I will try to keep this blog more updated, I know you're all just dying to hear about Lucas and I ;)

Thanks for reading!

-Allison S. Dahl

Comfort

Feeling lost,

Upside down

World is spinning,

Feet off the ground.

Change is near,

Coming fast

Tasting fear,

Remembering past.

Hopeful though,

Because of love

So I'll go,

Without a shove.

Peace arrives,

Just in time

Gaining confidence,

With his hand in mine.

-Allison S. Dahl

A Little Bit of Allison: Check, Please.

As many of you know, my husband and I are servers. I think I've mentioned this before, but the restaurant we work at is one of the busiest in our town. I love working there. I definitely owe it a big thanks for guiding me to my best friend/eternal companion. I love our restaurant because the people I've met there have been amazing co-workers and have taught me several life lessons in one way or another.

So, Lucas and I work at a restaurant full time. Big deal, right? A lot of people are in the serving industry. It is a great and ever growing workforce to be a part of. Some people have made it their career and are doing just fine. The money is nice for servers because you get to go home with cash every night. Sometimes you are there for short hours and make some serious cash, and sometimes you are there for long hours and make seriously-depressing cash. Either way, though, we've all seemed to have pulled through one way or another.

The purpose of this post is to educate, not offend.

It appears to be a trend that's slowly catching on to read and share articles that explain tipping. I've seen (and have even been a part of) comment threads where the debate thickened on what appropriate tipping is. The hard thing with this topic is it's so awkward! Money is always so awkward, especially when it comes to shelling it out based on your opinion of the service you received. After a great while of debating on writing this post, I finally decided it was ok to come out and explain why tipping is important, from a server's view.

I will say that this post is directly about servers/waiters/waitresses, so that is the only job code I am talking about. Anyway, depending on the state, an hourly wage for a server is anywhere from $2.00-$15.00. Let's be clear though, only a handful of states pay their servers over $5.00 an hour. In Idaho, the typical hourly pay for a server is $3.35 an hour. The assumption with giving that ridiculously low hourly wage is that you'll make up for it in tips. If you don't, however, the company won't make it up for you. Say you get 'stiffed' (def.-receiving $0.00 for a tip on a check) on every single table you serve for the entire week, you will only be getting the $3.35 for each hour you were clocked in. Period. That's it. Luckily, I have only been 'stiffed' a few select times in my two years of serving, so that hasn't happened to me. Even when we do get tips, we report all of them at the end of our shift to taxes. After taxes are taken out of these so called paychecks, we're lucky if we get more than $10.00 on payday. It may sound like I'm exaggerating, but ask a server you know. It may surprise you how much money we aren't getting.

Now, with that being said, you usually can get pretty good tips if you become a good server. It takes some time, but it comes. Even when I was beginning my serving days, people would tip nicely because they took pity on the new girl. Now I've learned how to connect with my tables and they usually leave a tip between 15%-20% on their check. We servers don't try to give our guests a good time just to squeeze the last dime out of them. At least for me, I like to help my tables enjoy a dining out experience. If that means hanging around and answering their questions, or getting what they want and only showing back up when they're ready to pay, I'm fine with it. I will do the best I can to ensure guest satisfaction. (I'm starting to sound like the handbook. *yack*) Really though, your time is important to us servers. We know you've selected our restaurant and we do what we can to keep you coming back.

I can't tell you how excited I am to live in Nevada and not be confronted with the ever-looming issue of serving people I know who don't know how to tip. I once read a comment on a debate thread where the gentleman said: "You shouldn't complain because you chose to work there. If people don't want to tip you, it's probably because you did a bad job, and you chose to make that your income." He is correct in the fact that we did indeed choose to work there. My husband and I felt secure in making people's generosity our main source of surviving. We made that decision confidently, because as I said before, most of the time people tip well. If I could personally respond to said gentleman, I would tell him that yes, I did choose this job. Guess what, though? I went to school for a specified profession and came to find (after I finished it) that I make a lot more money as a server than I would have if I worked in that field. As frustrating as that was to find out, it was more frustrating to realize a job I walked into was going to be more supportive than one I worked to obtain. And while there are times that my service isn't excellent, that table chose to eat out. Here in Idaho, and even the whole country itself, it's expected to leave gratuity. The industry wouldn't function the way it does if tipping wasn't an expectation. So, yes sir, you are correct, but you may want to dine at McDonald's more often if that is how you feel about tipping. They don't expect you to tip at all! Try it out for size.

Sometimes we'll have a table where they do indeed leave a tip, but it's insulting with how low it is. A %15 tip is standard, and an average tip. That means that if your bill was $23.50, an average tip would be $3.52. You could even round down two cents and make your total bill an even $27.00. Let me emphasize that that is an average tip. That means that you weren't necessarily thrilled with the service, but it wasn't terrible and you're leaving feeling full and content with your evening. Anything above %15 is a nice tip for the server. Obviously we all enjoy the generous folk who witness our hard work and reward us for doing so.

I know that the response to posts like these are hit and miss. Some people love it and agree with it, and others strongly oppose it. I know that tipping is a touchy subject, and I know this post will not change anyone's tipping habits. My hope and goal is to open my reader's eyes when it comes to tipping. If you feel that you don't want to tip and eat out anyway, don't come in to a sit-down restaurant. Plain and simple. If you don't want to cook at home and eat a nice meal out, go for it. If you want someone to serve you by bringing you your choice of: beverage, appetizer, meal, and dessert but don't want to leave that "little extra" at the end of the evening, then chose Jack in the Box or Wendy's.

I realize that most who oppose posts like these are those who have never been a server/waiter/waitress themselves. I completely understand how you would be so confused as to why this is an issue. Instead of fighting it, try serving! It always helps an educated person broaden their horizons when they step on the other side of the fence. You never know what you may find.

Thank you for reading, and I hope this has left you with a better understanding of why tipping is important.

-Allison S. Dahl

A Little Bit of Allison: The Ones That Moved

To start off with some exciting news--Lucas got accepted to UNLV and we will be moving down there this July! Eep! I am excited and nervous and sad...all at the same time. This post will give you the inside on all of that. :)

So to add a little background to my emotions, I'll tell you about when I moved for the very first time...when I was six. We were going to be moving to my declared home of Seattle and I was more excited than anything. I got to be the girl that moved. It sounded so cool, and I knew that any new kids to my elementary school would know that I had once been there, but now I had moved. For some reason it was like a badge of honor or something to me. I'm sure that after we moved that summer a few kids might have asked, but the answer as to where I went was most likely not as glorious as I imagined it would be. But when I was six, being that person meant being important, and remembered.

With Lucas and I moving so far away from the place we've established as our own, there comes a sense of sadness that I didn't think would come. I've wanted to leave Idaho since the day we moved back. All of the friends we've made here (and even just the ones I have made) have made me come to enjoy Idaho, and I am now somewhat sad to leave. I must say it's a bittersweet feeling. The days are going by so quickly and I know our moving day will show up out of no where and I will be left wondering where the time went.

On the flip side, I am so excited to move to a big city! Las Vegas is definitely bigger than I used to think it was. We went and found our apartment last week and I was baffled that Las Vegas was more than a few blocks known as the "strip". It was really fun though, and made moving all the more real.

So after we move down to Nevada, Lucas and I will become the ones that moved at our work. There's a new class of servers right now, and I can't help but imagine future conversations. They might be talking with some of the servers we work with now, and perhaps Lucas and I will be brought up or mentioned. The newbies will want to be reminded who the servers are referring to, and that will be our identifier. "Oh you know, the ones that moved". Well, at least I hope it will be. ;)

Now as I'm older, the tagline doesn't seem so glamorous. In fact, it's almost a sad phrase. I know that there are great things in store for us down in Nevada, but I can't help but be a little sad as we leave the things we've built here in Idaho.

Thank you for reading! I have a new blog post coming soon! :)

-Allison S. Dahl

A Little Bit of Allison: Thoughts

Hello fellow readers! I am oh so sorry that I haven't posted in a while. Life continues to run through my fingers like sand. Every time I look at the date, it amazes me how fast a simple 30 days has flown by.

Well, the purpose of this post isn't defined. I guess it's just about a few thoughts I've been having over the last few weeks (hence the title...) and I thought I would share.

Lucas and I will often have free time in which we can just sit down and talk. It's so nice, I love being able to talk with him about anything and everything. We think more similarly than I would have guessed a year ago. I also enjoy these conversations because it gives us both a chance to get to know each other on levels that only these talks would allow.

Recently, one of these discussions was about religion. Lucas and I talk about church a lot, but every now and then we talk more deeply about specific principles. The principle we talked about is how our faith teaches different things than many other faiths. He got me thinking about why it is I believe what I do, and why it's so important to me. We talked about how often times there are several religions/groups that can point out bible stories and verses, pull up historic evidence, and even display "proof" that our religion is false. Lucas said that on his mission he was really good at getting into these debates, and consequently really good at defending the LDS church. Then he said that after a while, he realized the debates were fruitless. It made me realize that fighting about which church is right and trying to prove the other wrong is opposite of basically any religious teachings. Any bible or book you read that states it has the teachings of God will always somewhere say that God is loving and happy, and the devil is hateful and miserable. Isn't trying to prove others wrong hateful? Doesn't it make you miserable when all you want to do is prove yourself right? It's a never ending battle when that's the fight you want to embark on. With that being said, it's always hard to back down (at least for me) when someone insults the very things and teachings I grew up with. When someone says that my religion is false and made up, it angers me and makes me want to point out ways that their religion is wrong. I suppose anyone would feel that way if the one thing that picked you up from your broken life was being mocked and disrespected so publicly.

As I thought more about it, I also realized that instead of being angry about people constantly posting things on Facebook, saying things, or doing things that offend my church, I should stand up for it in a positive way. I don't have to point out the flaws of their particular religion. I don't need to look up bible verses to prove my point. I don't need to explain historical facts that show error in their theories. All I need is my own testimony and that of my husband's. "To fight and defend" doesn't have to mean take down the enemy, it can mean strengthen your own ground. Fortify your own foundation. Making others look weak and shooting them down only weakens yourself.

With all that being said, I will share my testimony on here. I believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost are three separate beings, each with a common goal. I believe that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, and I sustain him and his counselors. I sustain all of the leaders of our church; locally and worldwide. I believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and in The Book of Mormon, and the happiness it has brought to me. I testify of the Atonement and it's saving power. I know that Christ lived a perfect life and died to save not only me, but every soul in existence. His pain and agony in Gethsemane made it so I can return to live with my Heavenly Father, and I know He can completely understand anything and everything I go through. I know that Heavenly Father loves me more than I can possibly understand. I know that my Savior loves me and knows me more than I know myself. I know the Holy Ghost provides me with the comfort I need to live this life and return to my Heavenly Father. I believe in our temples and the eternal ordinances they provide. I believe in eternal families and know that Lucas and I will be together literally forever, even after we pass on. I believe in The Plan of Salvation and the joy it brings to my soul. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I am so grateful for the peace and joy They bring to me. I love the companionship of the Holy Ghost and the guidance provided. I love being a "Mormon". I love belonging to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am ever so grateful for the sacrifices made by Joseph Smith so that the true gospel could be restored. I love being loved by my creator. I know these things are true.

I know that this testimony isn't earth shattering, but it is ever growing. Each day I strive to be a better person, wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I know I have many weaknesses, but I have a life time to make them strengths.

Even though many disagree with me, that doesn't mean I hate them or avoid them. I have several friends who don't share the same beliefs with me, and that is perfectly ok! I love learning new things about their points of view. If it comes down to it, we can still be friends and do fun things without trying to change the other's views.

I suppose this post turned into a longer one than I had planned. Well, I hope it was uplifting either way. As I said, I like having friends and even family of other beliefs, and I enjoy their company as much as any other. So I hope this post didn't come off as saying otherwise.

Thank you for reading, as always. I appreciate the view count...each and every one! :)

-Allison S. Dahl

Through Thick and Thin

I'm sorry it has been a while since my last post. Times have been pretty busy since Lucas and I sealed the deal. It's already been almost six months since we got married! Oh my! Life is fantastic, we are doing great, and we are excited for what our future holds.

As much as I'd like to gush on about Lucas, my purposes for this post are (shockingly) not about him. He is amazing, though, don't get that confused. I just decided that I wanted to post about a different choice friend of mine.

Ok, first off, let me just tell you about this picture. I am quite impressed we were able to get a photo with serious faces. If you know Erin and I, we are always laughing and joking around. The fact we were able to keep a straight face long enough for the camera to click is actually an accomplishment. I think we should've gotten an award, but whatever.

Anyway, I'm sure I've mentioned Erin a time or two on this blog, but I am going to do it again. Erin and I go pretty far back and one thing has always stood true since we became friends. We've always been there for each other. Now, there were spaces of time when we wouldn't see each other, or we'd both be busy with other things, but when times fell apart, the other was always there to help put things back together. One major example of that was when I was going through my pregnancy with Adelé. Erin never bailed on me. She would hang out with me, watch me eat more than enough food to feed a small country, and cry with me when I felt I needed to just break down. Erin would even let me boob over the same story time and time again, and act as though it was the first time she'd heard that break down. She was never wavering in being a friend to me, even when I'm sure it was difficult.

Well, my life did get better. The adoption process turned out very well and I grew to love the family that I made my own, I was able to finish all the course work in a difficult schooling program, and I married the man of my dreams that I didn't think existed. But that's the thing, even during my victories, Erin was still there. I know sometimes when we feel like we don't need a friend because life is going well, it's easy to push people aside. Or maybe it's easier to not be friends with someone when things start going well for them. Nonetheless, Erin listened to my fears and excitements before I made my most life changing decision.

I've always hoped that I can be the same for Erin. As the years of our friendships have grown, and our lives have taken many different turns and paths, I'm happy to see that we can still joke about my cat. I don't why that never fails, but it's always nice to laugh. We can still pick up right where we left off even if it's been a few months since we talked last. We can still share our fears, and try to help when the other is in need. I have a few 'best friends' and I am grateful that Erin is, and always has been, one of them.

Thanks for reading!

-Allison S. Dahl